2002-01-05 05:21:37 (UTC)


I just took a bath. After my bath I smashed my hand through
a piece of glass. Jess is on the couch watching a movie and
didn't even realize what I did. I am getting so tired.
Tired of living, tired physically, tired of listening to
everyone bitch and complain about how I do this or how I
don't do that. Go fuck yourself world. I don't want to
live. I don't want to do anything so stop fucking telling
me what to do. I have started smoking a lot of pot with
Jess. It is like I want to 24 fucking 7 and then I just do
it as much as I can without trying to make it look like I
am some big druggie or something. God for bid that the
world all of a sudden thinks I have a problem. LOL! Me?
Have a problem? No, we can never have the world think I
have a problem because if the world ever found out that
would make my dad look bad, make my mother look bad and God
no it would my grams look bad. Because the reason I have a
problem is always because of them. NO IT ISN'T! For once I
wish they would stop thinking that everything that has to
do with me didn't fucking revolve around them. My grams is
fucking miserable. She needs to seek help and that is what
Gerald tried to tell her then all of a sudden she spased at
them and now is back here sooner then she was supposed to.
She is driving me nuts because she is acting like nothing
but a bitch! My mom wants me to try to talk my grams into
getting help. Thanks I don't have enough shit to worry
about with school and Brad so we will just add this on to
my list of useless shit to do. How the fuck am I supposed
to convince my grams she needs help when I know I need help
and half the time I can't even convince myself to go to my
fucking appointments? Dad sent me a Christmas card and I
didn't know whether I should open it or not because I
didn't really know what to expect. It was touching but at
the same time I just didn't know how to react. I haven't
talked to him in so long and I am just so confused about
everything right now. I have been thinking about it and
right now I want to go and carbon monoxide myself in my
grams car this weekend. I just want all of this shit to end
and I can't fucking take it anymore. I can pour my fucking
heart out on here but I just can't fucking tell anyone that
I need help. I don't want to tell anyone because I am so
scared of going back to some fucking hospital where they
will lock me up and then I feel like a prisoner and then I
lie to get out so that I can have some of my sanity and
freedom back. I just want it back. I don't know what...but
I want it all fucking back. I WANT TO FUCKING DIE!!!!!!! I
want the courage that I have moments before I swallow all
of those pills. I want the courage too look down the barrel
of a gun again. I want it back so that then the fucking
world can label me how ever the fuck they want and I don't
have to have anything to do with it anymore. Everyone can
think what they want and make up excuses for why I did it,
but I wont be here to give a FUCK what they say or do. IT
IT AWAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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