T

cant ever sleep..neither would you

now that im finally back at my parents i cant ever sleep.
and when i do, i dream of planes crashing into
buildings.......

it has nothing to do with september 11. i've flown
commercially about 5 times since sept. 11. and ive flown
about 5 times in a small single engine plane since spet.
11, too.
it has to do with me.
i called my mother in my dream after 3/4ths of boston was
dead and somehow i survived.. and she told me that X had
called..... trying to find out if i was alive. i could
call her but not him.. i wanted so bad to talk to him.
she sounded pissed off that he called.

im back north.. not in boston anymore. after i was
homeless.. or rather.. living with a married man and his
wife without her knowing............ can you believe
that. i cant believe we got away with it for a month.

they sleep in seperate beds.. but she wakes him up in the
morning........ she came in the room and i was naked in the
bed with him...... she talked to him.. she had no idea.

my life sucks right now. my life completely sucks. every
time i get the nerve to come on this damn computer and
start to tell my sad tale i lose my nerve....
i think about how pathetic i really am.

i dont even like to
say anythig. id like to pretend that its not there.
even if someone reads my diary it doesnt matter....... you
dont know me.. i could walk by you on the street and you
would never know. i could look into your eyes and wish
that someone.. maybe you would really listen to me and love
me.. but, never say anything.. and neither would you.

who do i really want to love me anyways? not you.. but
him.. only him.. thats all i wanted all along. how can i
tell him when he says... "didnt you know that all i ever
really wanted was you.. didnt i show you?"

he never left her.

ahh well..

he fucked my best friend. not once. not twice. at
least 3 or 4 times.
i cant believe she did that with him.. even after knowing
he hit me. it hurts
i wish i could stop thinking.
i hate myself for cheating on him