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2002-01-04 22:42:52 (UTC)


my mother is driving me crazy and so is my girlfriend so is
adrienne and so is christina just everyone right now
and im listening to joydrop and thats not making anything
really better but its making me feel better and im typing
really fast

i need some fucking room to fuckgin breathe people
nothing nothing ntohign i fuckign EVER do is right for
and im TIRED of trying to apease this person or that person
either way things are one person is going to be let down
and im tired of trying to pick who that person is going to
i have to make too many decisions.
my head hurts.

breathing. breathing. breathing is a problem for me.

i got my hood pierced.

it still hurts a bit.

i went and applied for a job today where adrienne works.
i think that it would be good for me to work there, but i
dont know if i would like it.
it pays a lot better. but i dont know if its the kind of
thing that would make me happy. probably not.

my mom is really pissing me off right now. a lot.

i dont understand. i dont understand people.

i am so unhappy right now. today.

"i sometimes want to die, i sometimes want to die"

i just get so confused fuckign listening to people.
people talking
people judge for STUPID fucking reasons.
and these are smart people
people that i love
you know
it just doesnt make sense.
its okay for you ashley cuz i love you
but anyone else
yeah yeah thats just not okay.
dont you understand fucking fuck you whatever
im mad.

today was a good day.
was a good day until i woke up.
and now, its just bad.
emily was being mean on the phone with me
and i dont know why
i told her i told her that i probably would be seeing her
saturday night
because sergios coming over
and in order for me to go there LAST night i had to tell my
mom i wouldnt be going there for awhile.
like, until sunday or so you know
and then like, she just hits me with can you come here
and of course i say probably not, you know.
and then its well im having people over then
my parents are going out of town.
sometimes i dont think im cut out for partying anymore.
i really dont.
sometimes i feel like im 40.
and so i came home
and i talked my mom into letting me go there on saturday
its either shes mad at me or emily is or just there is
fucking never a happy little point where NO ONE is made at
someone always is.
and i dont understand.
i affect so many fucking people i dont get it i dont
chris is calling me crying why arent you calling me back
why why why
cuz i havent had any fucknig time.
its nothing against you.
but i cant have you relying on me
i cant take care of you
i cant take care of any of you man
i cant even take care of myself.

"ashley should have been upset i think but she wasnt, shes
so strong."

i dont have time to be weak hun.

yes. i called sandy.
i changed my mind.
i am permitted to do that.
i wanted to see her, so i called her.
and there was a good reason that she didnt call me the
other night.
even if there hadnt have been, i wouldnt have been pissed.
i wasnt pissed.
thought it was rude but thats about it.
i wasnt devestated.
and yeah i wanted to see her with emily. or with someone.
and thats how i had it planned out the other night.
but you know, sometimes plans get fucked up.
the majoirty of mine always seem to.
so...its not a big deal.

she makes me feel sometimes like i just fucking lie and
but you know, things, situations change.
and you have to adapt to that sometimes.
minds change.
my mind changes a lot.
i am pretty fucking fickle.

i feel very pressured.
from a lot of different angles right now.
i just want to chill.
and im having a hard time doing that.

i love emily so fucking much.
i had such a great time with her last night.
we did nothing.
and i loved it.
i loved it a lot.
i love her.

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