dream upon a star
2002-01-04 22:28:06 (UTC)

Far away dreams

So..I was looking outside, its kinda chilly here, there is
snow on the ground, and I just got to thinking...i'm almost
out of highschool. I'm going to collage in a year...what am
I going to do with my life. After highschool i'll loose
touch with some of my friends, I will completly loose touch
with my bestfriend of 12 years in time. Everything is going
the wrong way. I dont know how to handle things anymore. My
life pretty much sucks, i want things to change, but
yet...it will never happen. My mom is talking to some
bastard in another state over the computer, i wish my dad
would have it cut off, but i have to do school work and its
my escape. I love my mom, dearly, but what the fuck is
going through her damned mind. I will not stand for her
talking to some limp dicked, skanky lookin' bastard. I dont
know how to handle this shit anymore. i'm going out of my
fucking mind. I seriously...want to give up. just walk out
side, and end my life. then...i think of what I could do
with my life. I dont plan on getting married, because
everyguy i've evermet is a total fuckhead. I loved one guy,
in all my life, seriously loved him, and he died.....so why
should I risk it again? I thought I liked a guy, he turned
out to be a pshycotic stalker. one thing after another just
fucks up in my life. the only reason i am alive now, is
because of my nephew...i love him, as though he was my own
kid. i love my sister like she was my mom. I love my dad
too, but....i dont think my dad likes me..much less loves
me. Do you realize what it is like? to have a father around
24/7 and never know if he even cares about you? i was
suppose to be a boy, so...basicly i've been a disapointment
to my dad since the day i was born...one thing after
another, anything I try to do to please him..is never
enough....he never talks about me in a proud tone like he
does my sister....hell...he doesnt even talk about me
period unless it is bad. I dont know what I did to deserve
all this. Why the HELL did god let me be born if no one
wanted me? my mother doesnt want me around, my dad doesnt
care for me, my sister loves me, but I get on her nerves
because I cling to her like a lifeline. I dont see my point
in being here, so why cant I just kill myself and be done
with it? I probly wont graduate highschool, even when I try
to pass, when I end up in 2 stress classes because I'm
working my ass off, my parents go "you should have tried
harder" not "its ok, we understand you did the best you
could, i'll help you whenever you need it" more and more i
wish three years ago I had killed myself. I had the gun, at
my temple the cool metal around my head the smell of
gunpowder and the weight of a handgun.... but I didnt do
it....i thought twice and just cried for 3
days....god...i'm such a chicken...why can nothing ever
work out, if I try to talk to one of my friends they
think "here we go again" i can never talk to anyone...i
dont know what to do anymore..my life isnt worth
living...im useless to everyone. I cant handle these days
any longer. Why was I born?