noctisplendor

mourning is a long time coming

read that carefully. mourning. maybe thats what all of
this is. its a time of mourning. i'm not entirely sure
what i lost, but i'm rather sure somethings's missing. it
might have never been there to start. i'm trying not to
dwell on hillbilly, but as soon as i get done, i'll go
check my voicemail and pray he called. i know,
masochistic. yeah. whatever.

midget told me not to cut myself again, when i taked to her
last night. i didn't and i won't. but part of me still
wants to. and i guess, part of me is looking for a
more "socially acceptable" way to hurt. maybe thats why
all my relationships with guys suck.

i do worry sometimes that people i know might read this,
and i worry that i might offend them. then i realise, its
my life not theirs.

i think. lately thats the problem. i think, a little too
much. i mourn what is lost. love. life. creativity.
when i journal i lose the need to write poerty and i hate
that. at my angriest, i am most creative. at the
happiest, i am nothing. that is why i'm always so damn
depressed.