/me

2002-01-04 17:15:23 (UTC)

zitiert

2001-12-28 09:09:12
A goal for life?
Some live for love, Some for hate. Some for money. Some for
their God, Many for themselves. Some want to change the
world, Some just want to find beauty. Me? I'm stuck in a
realm of ignorance. For a long time, my entire drive, the
reason for getting up in the morning, has been just to
change the flaws. To be a revolutionary who gives it all
just to make things better. But how many days can you keep
on getting up and thinking that, when every time you keep
getting smaller, and the world loses more and more meaning.
So I change the fate of fifty people for the better. So
what? They all die, and their children, and their
grandchildren. I die too. It's tough to be 16 and facing
your own end. But I have to choose, because from here the
road branches in hundreds of directions, and none seem made
for me. But for now, I'm going to numb my mind with the
glorious brain-killing picture box, because thoughts are
like heroin to me. Too much at one time will kill me, but I
know I'll come back later for another fix.

2001-12-29 08:01:13
Insanity and Obsession
Slowly fading from the energy, like a shot of heroin racing
through my veins only to bring me down like a jump off the
second story of an apartment in downtown New York. I don't
know why I do this. I get so high over the small stuff. All
of a sudden the world is changed from concrete and glass to
gold and diamond and then back to... well... nothing.
Another angel, full of beauty and intellect, a human but
more, more than any of those I know. She reenters my life
in a whirlwind and the world seems so great all of a
sudden. I'm a "new man." But for how long? And now the
illusion fades, the illusion I made against her warning,
but still the illusion I have. And I'm stuck with just me,
a nice big book of philosophy, and the ruins of my
misconception. But maybe, just maybe, I have changed. And
maybe the illusion will be better gone. Maybe the world
needs fools with no meaning, or maybe this is just another
night of insanity and obsession.

2001-12-31 04:26:18

Defeat in the ashes
Have you ever felt powerless in a situation, like all you
can do is affect minute pieces of the environment, but not
the action at all? Have you ever put hope on something,
only to have it all crash down except for one tiny hope
that never quite comes through? Welcome to the night.
Pursuit of beauty. Such a simple thing until you try to do
it. Because beauty surrounds us, but we reject all of it
except for one or two shots, usually long shots. Waiting on
an angel and a drug dealer. Waiting... for anything. So, my
plans and hopes were crushed like flimsy glass ornaments. I
was defeated by... by what? That's what really annoys me. I
didn't cause this failure. Nobody did. It just happened.
And with my defeat came a great sense of a missed
opportunity, something I told myself I would avoid at all
costs. The night should have been beautiful. Should have
been. Should have been. Wasn't.

2001-12-31 08:08:06
A Time for Reflection
I look around myself. Thousands of dollars of electronics
in a hundred thousand dollar house. The kitchen and my
stomach are full of good food. My mind is constantly
amused. Drugs can be constantly used. I live without fear,
without great external pain, without great discomfort, and
without reality ever having to press in. For all of this,
what am I? A 16-year old kid. Smarter than others, gifted
with abilities, but still a kid. Essentially, nothing. I
haven't started a revolution, I haven't changed the world.
I've barely contributed. But do not underestimate me. For I
have the chance. I have what everybody on their deathbed
looks back and wants, desires, craves above all else--
time. Time to make choices. Time to change the flaws. Time
to live. Time to take my chances. Time to throw caution to
the wind and trek through South America like a modern day
Che Guevarra. Should I keep wasting it here in the suburban
capitalist trap? Should I not LIVE? ... That is a question
for us all, because as you are reading this, you still have
time. Time wasted (or used well, whichever you choose on
reflection), at an online diary site, reading the words of
a 16 year old who hasn't changed the world. Yet.

A New Year with a Lava Lamp
In a small wooden chair fit for 5 year olds, there sits a
young man, age 16. He types and thinks, trying to come up
with words that will carry the true feelings and thoughts
to the future him, to all the others reading, the angels
and assholes, the drug dealers and the users. And beside
him, a lava lamp. The beauty of action with no point. A
lava lamp could flow forever and there would be no meaning,
just little dots of red floating and joining the blob. Like
our lives. But I could stare at it for hours. From party to
party tonite. An angel tonite, one felt. But in the turning
realization hopes went down with the third jello shot of
the night. A little red dot floats to the top. But sitting
shotgun the simple brush of a hand, not even the embrace,
the feeling reassured. A small sphere floats from the top,
and lingers in the center. The finality of the night, with
no regrets except the complete overwhelming shock, an odd
anti-climax. But the New Year, with new complications. A
situation memorable, the same role but different
characters. Very different. For the script must change. And
the little red dot in the center waits. And waits, drifting
slightly. And I pray that it may somehow find its way.

2002-01-03 08:25:28

A Mindset of Freedom


Riding in a car doing 95 down the highway, no hands on the
wheel.

My life is the car, the wheel used to be tightly grasped,
but no more. I'm not going to drive the hearse that will
carry me. I will not live out a material life without
meaning just because it's what people expect of me. I'm
not cut from the same mold.

Just freedom is what we crave. The freedom to dance in the
rain, the freedom to take drugs that will enhance life, the
freedom to love and live without worries.

This is my declaration of freedom from myself. I will read
philosophy. I will look for happiness. I will realize the
bad, accept it, do my part to make it right, but I will not
dwell on it to the point where my life is not my own. It
took angels and assholes to bring me to this. The angel
showed me the way.

I am free now, not because I lost everything, but because
nothing that I have has meaning.

And maybe, just maybe, I control the car more now than
before. Make your own conclusions. I'm just a know-
nothing teen. But age is not wisdom, just time.


2002-01-04 10:38:29

In case I die tonight


In case I die tonite, or rather, this morning, of the 4th
of January, 2002, I wish to leave something behind, some
final little token for people to grasp and look at. I do
this on the verge of life, and the verge of death. If I do
not wake tomorrow, I wish you not to cry over my passing.
I know these words will not be respected, but do not let my
death ruin your lives, because they all can be so much.

My parents I wish to know that I do love. I love you both,
even if I can not fully express it. You've given up much
for me, and my siblings. I want you both to have fun
sometime, take a vacation. Do something for yourselves for
once.

My friends, there are too many of you to count. You are
all here for a reason, and you have touched me. My closest
friends, you know who you are. Don't give up your fights.
Don't let yourselves be beaten. Live, love, and most of
all, be. Don't close your doors anymore. Your lives are
waiting.

To the most recent angel... The world is still beautiful.
There is beauty even in death. Write a novel if it chooses
you. Live a life. Live a life for you. Never give up the
dreams, and please, don't forget the good.

To the one who pushes people away: Let someone in. We
don't have forever to live. And this I know. This I am
right on.

To those I've forgotten: Thank you for being here all the
same. I have forgotten many of the most important ones, I
know, but let my life serve as the final message.

I set out to write to those who have touched me the most,
and I think I have, but here I must digress. I realized,
sitting in front of this screen, staring death in the face,
that I haven't done anything. I haven't. I leave this
Earth no more than as I began. Only a few words more, that
is. I didn't use the time. Everyone, grasp life, tear it
open like a ripe orange and drink deeply.

My strength is fading. Live, find the beauty, change the
world, do whatever, just don't waste it. Because life is
too short to waste it, even if it's the longest thing you
ever experience. Live like I haven't.

Live like gods.

Live like poets with immense emotion.

Live as if there is no tomorrow, because there might not be.

Live a free life.

Just live.

Just live.



was mich heute runterzog.


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