Fishnet Goddess

Rainbows, Ice-a-ma-cream, and Lemonade
2002-01-04 17:02:05 (UTC)

Complications

Well, if you read yesterday's entry, I'm sure you
could guess that these complications are about Laura. I
wrote a song yesterday, not for her or even necessarily
about her, but inspired by her. It's more about my
realization that my bisexuality hadn't been fully realized
until now, when I remembered that there can be an emotional
connection as well as sexual attraction. Like I wrote
yesterday, I had only felt sexual attraction until now. And
I don't even think I really have a crush on Laura, and
definitely not more, but the fact that I was debating it
made me realize that I'd been missing something all
along.
When Ryan heard me play my song he cried, and got
really upset (not loud, angry upset, but depressed, sad
upset), because he was always okay with me having sexual
feelings for girls, but emotional feelings really bother
him (understandably). But I convinced him that my
bisexuality won't cause any serious problems in our
marriage, because I would never just act on my sexual
instincts, and I love him so much that there's not room in
my heart to love anyone else, friends and family aside. And
all of that's totally true. I love him more than I ever
knew I could love anyone. In the scope of our relationship,
Laura, and any other Lauras that come along, are specks in
perspective of everything Ryan and I mean to each other.
Little blips of confusion can't destroy that.
Still, it was a good song, and I feel guilty singing
or playing it now, knowing that it had such a strong effect
on him. And I couldn't play it in front of Laura unless she
thought it was old, because she might start to suspect
something. But there's nothing there, I don't think. And
Ryan brought up a good point- he's had to put up with a lot
of other songs (that I'd written for other people before
him), and he's understood. So we'll see what happens with
this song. I hope it doesn't have to stay tucked away
forever.