losergirl
Borrowed Light
i know im a hypocrite but i..
i know im a hypocrite but i cant leave yet.. i need to write
somehwere amd i havent had time to find somewhere new.
cant be bothered typing an entry but here's my convo to joe.
this started when i didnt show up to the sleepover at rob's,
and corey this is why i didnt go to the movies with you...
its not just the big news ( i found that out yesterday...
its everything) this mood is a shader darker than black if
there is one. i was a bit mean to joe but i couldnt stop
myself, now im feeling crap for being a bitch. just got
back form wet n wild with the family, they were trying to
cheer me up, it was fun, but you could say it didnt work.
SAM says:
hey joe
SAM says:
are you pissed at me for something??
Pussy Putna says:
no way
Pussy Putna says:
why whould you think that
SAM says:
you sounded it before a bit
Pussy Putna says:
why
SAM says:
i dunno... just cause you werent saying much and logged off
in the middle of a conversation
Pussy Putna says:
sorry i didn't understand why you wern't allowed to come
SAM says:
well i will explain another day
SAM says:
does it really matter
SAM says:
?
Pussy Putna says:
do you still trust me
SAM says:
it wasnt a matter of being allowed
SAM says:
yeah of course i do
SAM says:
but just like you like to keep stuff secret so do i
Pussy Putna says:
ok
SAM says:
sorry joe. nothing personal. i will tell you one day
Pussy Putna says:
do you hate everone
SAM says:
why would i?
Pussy Putna says:
i dont know
SAM says:
should i?
Pussy Putna says:
did i do something
Pussy Putna says:
no
SAM says:
no
Pussy Putna says:
cool
Pussy Putna says:
does it have to do with me
SAM says:
no
SAM says:
not at all
Pussy Putna says:
anyone else
SAM says:
of course it has to do with someone.. but not necessarily
someone you would think
Pussy Putna says:
ok
Pussy Putna says:
are they here
SAM says:
nope
SAM says:
who is there anyway?
Pussy Putna says:
so there not at robs
SAM says:
no
SAM says:
but who is at robs?
Pussy Putna says:
jen ash kelly jess beck
SAM says:
nope none of em
Pussy Putna says:
corey
Pussy Putna says:
?
SAM says:
nope... thats another story.. not really to do with this
Pussy Putna says:
ok
Pussy Putna says:
cool
Pussy Putna says:
can you tell me who it involves
SAM says:
no because that just opens it all up
Pussy Putna says:
ok
Pussy Putna says:
josh
Pussy Putna says:
?
SAM says:
yes him to! blame josh... its a few things but he's not
the main one
Pussy Putna says:
ok
Pussy Putna says:
whats it about
SAM says:
stuff
SAM says:
if i tell you that then ive told you
Pussy Putna says:
ok
Pussy Putna says:
so
SAM says:
so.. what?
Pussy Putna says:
sorry kelly was checking her email
Pussy Putna says:
are you sure it dosn't have to do with anyone at robs
SAM says:
yes. why what do you think it is? does someone think its
about them
Pussy Putna says:
no im just trying to guess .......so it does
Pussy Putna says:
?
SAM says:
no, why do you keep insisting it does though
SAM says:
could you ask kel or jess whats happening with practice
tomorow
Pussy Putna says:
im not. i dont understand why you didnt come if it dosnt
have to do with anyone of us
SAM says:
maybe its about my life... i do have one! maybe my life
doesnt revolve around sleepovers
SAM says:
sorry to sound mean but its hard to explain
Pussy Putna says:
they will message you tomorrow about practice.
Pussy Putna says:
can you please explain
SAM says:
not online how do i know 5 people arent reading this
SAM says:
i dont have my phone. i need to know tonight cause i have
to go somewhere in the morn
Pussy Putna says:
you can trust me because i told them to go away
SAM says:
no not here its dumb
Pussy Putna says:
why
SAM says:
i dont like net converstaions
Pussy Putna says:
can you please give me a hint
SAM says:
its not about anyone ok.. do you really really want to know
Pussy Putna says:
i do really want to know
SAM says:
ok wait it might take a while to type..
Pussy Putna says:
ok thanks
SAM says:
well fine joe, you dont bother to tell me your life secrets
but its my duty to tell you right?? my life has to be
public news.. well you really want to know. not that it has
anything to do with anyone, not that you even really will
know what to say! but here goes
Pussy Putna says:
im sorry i do want to tell you my life scerets but they
have to do with you thats why i didnt tell you because i
thought you would hit me
SAM says:
my uncle had a drug o.d. he gave up for about a year and
went out clubbing and got a bad pill laced with some shit.
he spent two days on the streets of sydney because he went
crazy and didnt know where the fuck he was.. at the moment
he is recovering after spending a week in the mental
hospital... he called us up and wants us to go down on
thursday for a while. this is like my favourite uncle
SAM says:
he's 22 and he nearly died.
SAM says:
on top of that
SAM says:
i have to deal with fuckheads like josh who are under so
much "stress" living there charmed lives and faking that they
had
to
reveive a chick who o.d'd and trying to be a hero
Pussy Putna says:
im so sorry
SAM says:
shut up joe
SAM says:
people might under stand why im so hostile if they live my
life for a weeek
Pussy Putna says:
i dont know what to say
SAM says:
another thing. im losing one of my best friends because he
is drinking too much and is busy with his new girlfriend
and he's usually the person who does now what to say, but
he doesnt even know there's a problem
SAM says:
my 2 best friends are now best friends (minus me) and dont
even call
SAM says:
i cant even ring you know cause you live at scotts and
everyone is leaving and growing up
Pussy Putna says:
you can still ring me
Pussy Putna says:
and ill ring you
SAM says:
no its not the same, you know it
Pussy Putna says:
i know ill make an effort
SAM says:
its not just about that
Pussy Putna says:
when was the last time you talked to corey
SAM says:
a while.. too long
Pussy Putna says:
hes growing up
SAM says:
i know thats what i mean.. i understand that but i dont
like it
Pussy Putna says:
and there is nothing you or anyone else can do about it
SAM says:
everyone is growing and im not so that leaves me here behind
Pussy Putna says:
i know he is my friend too but not as good as yours and i
miss him too and i knoe sah does to
Pussy Putna says:
bad spelling
Pussy Putna says:
i know ash does too
SAM says:
yeah but you have to understand that he understands me
(better than anyone) i love you joe but you just dont know
what to say.. and when he's not around and i dont see him
in weeks i start to get a bit down
SAM says:
he has been your friend for longer and im being selfish but
i cant help it
Pussy Putna says:
hey i dont want to stop you two from being friends and
i understand that you get down and i know i dont have the
way with words as he does but i try too
SAM says:
yeah and you do a great job!! but..yeah
Pussy Putna says:
thanks
SAM says:
but..yeah im lost for words.
Pussy Putna says:
when do you go vist your uncle
SAM says:
thursday
Pussy Putna says:
ok
Pussy Putna says:
how long for
SAM says:
i dunno
Pussy Putna says:
ok
Pussy Putna says:
well i want to see you before you go
SAM says:
when and how
SAM says:
where
Pussy Putna says:
i dont know when, soon, i catch the bus and we go somewere
ill take you shopping or somthing
SAM says:
lets just see ok... im just in a really crap mood... i
really need to find out about dance tomorrow
SAM says:
dont think i dont want to see you though
Pussy Putna says:
they will message you tomorrow
SAM says:
i told you they cant!
Pussy Putna says:
jess or kelly
SAM says:
read up.. they cant
(blah blah lots of talk about dance)
SAM says:
dont evven hint there is somehting wrong with me, i dont
want sympathy.
PUSSY PUTNA says:
I wont, i didnt.
SAM says:
good
Pussy Putna says:
i want to take you out and try and chear you up
SAM says:
i dunno joe, its not a cheery situation
Pussy Putna says:
ill try
Pussy Putna says:
give me a chance
SAM says:
but i dont want to i dont think, im not in the mood. let me
see how im feeling ((here im not being a drama queen, i
just dont particularly want to go places at the moment))
Pussy Putna says:
thats ok i want to like sunday -monday
SAM says:
monday i cant... sunday is church day
Pussy Putna says:
why all day
SAM says:
well we can. but ill have a late night and sleep in, doesnt
leave long
Pussy Putna says:
why late night
SAM says:
dancing
Pussy Putna says:
ok thats right im going
SAM says:
your not coming to that are you?
Pussy Putna says:
if you dont want me to come i wont
SAM says:
i didnt say that!!! you have a party dont you?
Pussy Putna says:
nope
SAM says:
richards?
(blah balh why he isnt going etc etc... this is boring
hey??)
Pussy Putna says:
so am i allowed to come and chear you on
SAM says:
if you want.. i dont mind
Pussy Putna says:
are you sure
SAM says:
yeah why would i mind?
Pussy Putna says:
you might not want to see or talk to me for a while
SAM says:
why the ****?? what are you talking about? did you do
something?
Pussy Putna says:
no i dont know im just an idiot
SAM says:
why?
Pussy Putna says:
i dont know
Pussy Putna says:
ill come and chear you on
SAM says:
ok well i think this is over... its getting to repeating
ourselves
Pussy Putna says:
sorry
SAM says:
dont be
Pussy Putna says:
ok (( there he goes being all obedient and always
apologising for everything. I HATE THAT!!))
Pussy Putna says:
when did you find out about the thing
SAM says:
the \"thing\" yesterday
SAM says:
last night
Pussy Putna says:
ok ((sounds really caring huh?))
SAM says:
what is everyone else doing right now?
Pussy Putna says:
hitting each other
SAM says:
why
Pussy Putna says:
rob is taking the whole bed
SAM says:
oh ok, so really its flirting
Pussy Putna says:
yep
SAM says:
so who is ash onto tonight?
SAM says:
jess? kel? jen?
Pussy Putna says:
hes talking to kelly a lot amd hes been crying, for the
reason i dont know
SAM says:
hmm strange huh
Pussy Putna says:
yep
Pussy Putna says:
so what else you doing at the moment
SAM says:
im about to go
Pussy Putna says:
why
SAM says:
cause im not in the mood for chit chat
Pussy Putna says:
ok
Pussy Putna says:
bob said hi
SAM says:
hi bye
Pussy Putna says:
im sorry i hope you feel better soon if you need anything
or just someone to talk to im always here, and you can
always ring me at scott's so please do and ill talk to you
soon.
SAM says:
ok joe. thanks.. but just understand why i dint want to
tell you.. i dont want this sympathy
SAM says:
but i dont want you not to care either.. its lose lose
Pussy Putna says:
ok i wont anymore
Pussy Putna says:
ill try
SAM says:
ok bye
Pussy Putna says:
the hardest you have ever seen
SAM says:
thanks.
Pussy Putna says:
ok
that was it, you all might think im exaggerating and maybe
its all not that big, and if i had soemting really good to
fall back on and look at i would. but you have to
understand my whol life is screwed at the moment. i have a
screwed family (cant be bothered with politics) my friends
are fake and the ones who arent arent here, i dont believe
in my fucked up religion(its official) i believe in a god
or god though, ill explain another day, i dotn have any
particualrly amazing talents and my poetry just sucks
lately, but was it ever very good? i dont do good in
school, i dont like my school... sure i have lots of
possesions and everyone thinks im spoilt but my mums on the
welfare im really not, i have lots of big things and i get
it all gradually i dont have it great, and im missing so
much inside... on a mental, spiritual and emotional level...
sorry to burden anyone or everyone, but my life is a
shithole. i dont even want to feel good, and maybe im just
truly realising where corey was at..i just want to fuck stuff up,
punch the crqap out of someone, explode. it would be nice.
all from me
sam
shes been here too few years to feel this old -- hang, matchbox 20
and we always say, it would be good to go away, someday
but if theres nothing there to make things change
if its the same for you Ill just hang-- " "
matchbox 20's first album is so beautiful righ now. tracks 9,11,12
Yourself Or Someone Like You
Busted
I forget when words were only words
she knows the party makes me nervous
in this stage we cant get hurt
dont try to understand me
were too cool to be alone
but, not too crazy to get busted
I found out one life aint enough
I need another soul to feed on
Im the flame I cant get burnt
Im wholly understated
I found silence in this space
an on and off again attraction
I need such amazing grace
heaven sweep me away
(chorus)
love dont change, dont come around here
dont wear my heart on your sleeve
like a high school letter
dont strain, cuz nothing ever comes from it
and the people weve become, well
theyve never been the people who we are
I strap on one horse and prayed for luck
I dug another hole to bleed
I know exactly how this works
I need a new feel dirty
I dont need you crowding up my space
I just want to get inside you
you cant blame the heart you save
giving something away
(chorus)
I dreamed that the world was crumbling down
we sat on my back porch and watched it
I dreamed that the buildings all fell down
we sat on my back porch and watched it
in my head I heard the sound
like fifteen strangers dancing
but oh how I want you to know me
oh how I want you to know me
oh how I wish I was somebody else, baby
oh how I wish you could own me
(chorus)
the words to this is cool though the song kinda sucks