fucked up
2002-01-04 09:37:25 (UTC)


i broke up with my boyfriend a few days ago. I really
loved him....still do. I miss him so much. I fucking
ripped his heart out. I hate myself for that. I did it
becasue he wasn't apreetiating me. He kept ignoring me
and made me feel like shit. I would smoke and he would
make me feel like shit for doing it. I want to be friends
with him. I really really really do. I think im going to
go back out with him. I don't know that that would be the
best idea, but it would help him...and maybe now he would
let me be me. I love him. I really really really do. I
think that my best friend might have something for him. I
know that she did when we first started going out but then
she got into a relationship with another guy. I can't
handle this. She is talking to him on the phone right
now. What the fuck should i do? I don't have any idea.
I am afraid that i am doing it just so that i can have sex
and feel comfertable. i dont understand my own feelings.
I do know that i need him in my life. I know that i don't
want him just for sex. I want him to be in my life you
have no idea just how bad. If not as friends then i guess
as others. Damn i wish we could just be friends with
benifits. I cant stand this. I want to be with him. I
need him in my life. I know that that is not a good
reason to go back out with someone. I can't deal with
this. at all. maybe i should tell him this. No. thats
bull shit. do you think he would be intrested in being
friends with benifits? i don't think it would work. but
right now thats the most of a relationship i can handle.