2002-01-04 07:12:26 (UTC)

eh-bad day-so what else am i going to do???

hey-well i lose the internet at my house....so it's going
to be awhile until i get the responses and stuff.but i will
try my hardest. right now i am currently a grad student in
NYC. yes. i was there for 9/11. and it was horrific. i saw
the planes and the buildings fall right in front of my eyes
from my dorm windows. and since i live in brooklyn, well we
got a lot of people flushed into the city. seeing all of
that and trying to absorb it all was harsh. i never thought
i would ever be in a situation like that. and now that i
have survived it.....well. i still get bad dreams from it
I am also bipolar. For those who dont' know what this
is, it means instead of regualr moods staying steady, my
moods go up and down. There are many days where i am so
depressed i wish to kill myself.i have tried and failed. i
am doing this in order to get out those feelings of pent up
anger and sadness. cause it's not just that i live with
bipolar, but my older brother is paranoid schizo. there was
a lot of stuff that i had to deal with.and still am. being
on medications and going to therapy helps, however there
are days, like today, where i feel worthless and have no
idea why i am still here on this earth. i desire to be like
a lot of other people.where sometimes the hardest thing to
deal with is a "broken nail" -yea so i am overdramatizing.
but u know what i mean.
i don't know what else to write. i used to be really
good at this stuff. expressing what i really feel and not
give a damn. but now....it's like i have to monitor what i
say. but i used to believe that i could take care of
everyone....and then myself. that nobody had really ever
demonstrated that they could help...so i would do it all on
my own. who knows....i made it for so long. yes i will be
the first to admit that not all of my decisions turned out
to be great.....however-they helped me survive. that's what
counted. well-that's a lil introduction. hope to hear
something back. i am always open to suggestions and just
statements or questions. to all-have a wonderful day.

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