poisoned darkness
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2002-01-04 07:01:58 (UTC)

evilly depressed

isn't that a great phrase, 'evilly depressed.' and i am
just that right now. its not normal depression, but its
me, nothing can be normal. not that i really want it to
be. well, i'd like a normal relationship with hillbilly,
but thats never ever going to happen. so asking for that
is pointless. i once said we were retarded for eachother.
now, he's just retarded. and thats painful. so much more
painful than i can begin to explain. i accepted him for
all his shit and problems, and he accepted the middle class
white chick with attitude, with some good natured teasing.
i find it funny. i miss the comments about the 'obsene
number' of t-shirts i own. i miss the good natured part of
out relationship. i miss the fun. more than anything.
and i miss my confidant. he had a perspective completly
different from mine, but not. because, where experience
separated us, belief united us. i don't know if thats true
anymore. i don't know if i want it to be. i do know that
i miss him. when i saw him most it was every wednesday,
friday, saturday and sunday night. wednesdays, i'd visit
him durring my free period, between 11:10 and 1:15, if he
wasn't working. i think he purposly didn't work then, and
i brought him food, usually a giant cookie. fridays and
saturdays we went to a movie or to RO, and sundays, i
brought him to youth group. i did that for 3 months. and
we never kissed. explain that too me. i remember sitting
next to him in his truck thinking that i wanted to, and i
really liked is truck, and it would be a nice place to make
out, tinted windows and all. never happened.

i really wonder if people read this. and i wonder if they
think i'm nuts. do you? i do. i also think i need to get
help. but i'm not in the mood to seek it.

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