OrbitalVenus

Today

Today is my Grandma's Birthday..

My mom has a story she tells me each year of how I was such
a difficult and long birth, and how she wanted to have me
as quickly as possible because there was 'no hell'n way'
she was giving her mother a grandchild for her birthday.

I miss my Grandma. I can still hear her voice, and
sometimes I can even smell her. Nothing but pure memory.
I have nothing of her that would have retained her scent
and all I have of her image is pictures.

It's been 10 years since she passed away. The pain is still
here and it's still very fresh. I can't talk about her
without crying, and when I think of her I just want to curl
up in my bed and try to find her in my dreams. For the
first 2/3's of my life she was my rock, my shelter and my
compass. She was my everything.

I guess I have felt adrift and have lost my footing since
she passed. I wish I knew how to regain myself. I function
normally, as anyone can tell, but I know there are parts of
me that are damaged and war torn. I don't let go easily,
and I don't know how to fix that.

Today I celebrate my Birthday again, for her, as I do
each year. And I will visit my pictures of her, and
remember the moments that are captured on the pages.