noctisplendor

obsession

i've always liked blood. yeah i know. quite a few people
think i'm nuts alread. and i'm masochistic to boot.
theatre scars? i have no theatre scars, not on my arm
atleast. although thats not the story most get. i'd
probably do it again, cut myself that is, but someone stole
my scissors, and i'm not in the mood to deal with the
healing process. it takes much too long. is it wrong to
like the pain? actually, i liked the feeling of bleeding.
there really was no pain until the next morning. no one
noticed, only the midget and her tiget really know. yeah i
know, i write really happy shit. theres alot in my head
i'm just beginning to sort out.

my cousin tells me i'm "maladjusted" which in his world is
a good thing. a sign of character. he's also a sleep
deprived med student. he's taken with a grain of salt.
and actually, always has been, med school or not. he's
just a little wierd. but he's the only person in my family
that can even try to begin to understand me. he also
thinks i'm his little sister. not all together a bad gig.
it is a little wierd, since he doesn't so this for his real
sister, but i argue not. he calls GR, the "land of the
good and the pure." some how i think he knows more than
i've told him, or he put two and two together much faster
than any other family member dared.

other than that, i still want to bleed. i've been called
emotionally masochistic, and i tend to agree with that.
its not that i want to get hurt in the end, its that i pick
relationships with a chalenge, usually. be it a kid,
religion, whatever, there's always some issue in the
backround to chalenge me. otherwise, i'm bored. and thats
not hard. i'm a product of my enviornment and like it or
not, i neeeeeed constant stimulation.

i want to move away from that. i want to do alot of
things. i'm not even sure where to begin. i've always
written about my life. and its a "on paper, out of mind"
type of relationship. i can cronicle my life in my books,
even if i don't want to. and i never just wrote the good
stuff. the bad stuff, that i shouldn't have done, or
regretted doing, made it on the pages. but then, i really
don't regret anything i've done. it all happened for a
reason. it's not like i can undo it, so there's no point
to regretting it. it would be a part of me either way.
not that i like all of me, but its not a bad set up.

some day, i want to make peace with people. i think that's
what purgatory is. you make peace with all the people you
hurt. or at least you try. some people can't forgive, or
forget. and that can be a very painful revalation. but i
believe that *i* should forgive someone, becasue it frees
me, not just them.

ok, enough ranting for now