AngeL w/o WinGs

-=-My So Called Life-=-
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2002-01-04 04:00:19 (UTC)

Distant RAMBLINGS

You...mean more than the world to me, you show me there's
more to life than greed...(-Slick Shoes)

*Sigh* the neverending story continues. my emotional ups
and downs...my pathetic traumas of the heart, and my
senseless ramblings. Well lets see.
My feelings.... I feel like he is my everything, my
fetish...my weakness. The only one who mattered, the only
one ive ever loved, and this strange emptiness that fills
me constantly, and this sorrowful shadow that follows me
everywhere....it's like....i'm never gonna forget. but then
again HOW COULD I? Sometimes I wonder what would happen if
we were together again and how if i ever even spoke to him
again and he wanted to try it again..start over, and how i
would completely reject him and make him feel atleast the
slightest bit of pain to avenge my own. and then i think
about it(ive got a good imagination that runs off with me
sometimes) and i realized that i would be like silly putty,
at his disposal, because he is my kryptonite and ive still
yet to figure out how to conquer him. I mean....I even love
him despite his stupid hair and his evil grin. I mean he
came into school with his hair all bleached! i loved his
beautiful brown hair, and now he looks like a scrub, but i
could care less. i wish i felt that way about him too.

anyways, people r pissing me off tonight. first off this
kid that asks me why i wont go out w/ jared. my
decision....my own problems i'm facing under circumstances
that will not be said and no one shall know because it is
my business and i dont feel like sharing with them.
anyways, the fact of the matter is, i was never going out
w/ jared, i never made any committment with him, and i did
it for the sole purpose of being able to function freely
and i dunno, i cant put it into words, it just wasnt right.
and now i have to face stupid fucking Qs like that? i could
go out with someone right now if i wanted and i bet jared n
his friend(s) would get all pissed off n be like "oooh man
she played u, watta ho". but how could i play him if i was
never going out w/ him. i never even told anyone i liked
him. i mean god damnit, thats why i friggin hate gettin
involved w/ fths boys, u can never face em down after u let
em down. in the past year.....its been.......mark, nick,
joe m., joe n., ricky, nelson, mike, phil, felix, pat and
ummm i think thats it. 10 broken hearts in one year, not
too bad. marisa's was pretty bad, she had alotta boys she
played mind games with. atleast most of the boys me n my
friends get involved with dont go to our school, way too
weird. i dont mean to hurt feelings. this is how it works
for me MOST OF THE TIME. i think i MIGHT like someone or am
somewhat attracted to them. they like me. they get too
serious about it and i freak. i think of matt. i love matt.
i think of all the tears and heartbreak. i think i will
move on from him and take on this new boy. new boy moves
too fast and thinks hes in love. i def. am not. i dont like
them anymore*crushes arent supposed to last long* they are
upset. i tell them to back off.

or..... the guy that is friends w/ me and i like him as a
friend, he likes me more. then.....he keeps at it, so i
consider a possibility of it, they get their hopes up, i
decide no, heartbreak hotel. tada that is the magic of my
heart. umm marisa...she goes more for the....ur my boy,
ive got u whipped, u hang on my every word, im bored now,
bye bye. and the boy is left in tears and she laughs her
ass off.

i really dislike small minded people. people that are anti
gay. i think that is so stupid. you can be straight without
being stupid. i forgot ricky was small minded, i wanna
bring that up w/ him, and hear him "voice his stupid
opinion" and then jump down his throat how he has to grow
up and open his eyes and see that there is enuff hate in
this world and that god loves everyone and then bring up
the whole slavery issue how whites used to say blacks were
heathen, jus cuz they didnt friggin see eye to eye on
things, and ahhh it drive me crazy. it makes me ALMOST
wanna say i hate them all....but there is way too much hate
in this world already, so the best way to get em where it
hurts.....is to simply STOP. THE. HATE. you should give it
a try. and you should also read the matthew shepard book,
it makes me cry. then again...i cried in saved by the bell
wen kellys dad lost her job and she couldnt go to prom,
lmao. time for beddie byez, gnite.

No IMS or Music


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