Self harming dyke
2002-01-03 23:01:35 (UTC)

I saw her again - after 3 months!

Mood: embarrassed
Music: *Love Fool* !!!
Cuts: I don't think I told you that I tried to cut myself
on New Year's Eve, with a kitchen knife, but it was blunt
and I was too pissed - there is a lot to be said for the
tough layer of scar tissue that I have caused to grow on my
wrist now. None apart from that.

If anyone is keeping up with this little diary, I would
like to say I AM A COMPLETE MORON! I finally got up the
nerve to go to the doctor's today, and saw the lovely,
caring and wonderful woman herself. I unfortunately got so
nervous in the waiting room that I was almost incapable of
normal speech when I finally made it to her room!

Bless her, she seemed really happy to see me and said thank
you for the postcard twice... I could just feel myself
blushing horribly and felt like a total idiot. I am going
to really miss her and wonder just how sad and crap it
would be to try and contact her one last time...? She
leaves the practice in a month and I'm not back again until
end of Feb... *little tear falls down cheek*. Maybe a good
luck card wouldn't be too much?

I'm unsure whether she realised how I feel, but I just hope
I didn't seem too crap! It was so sweet when I went into
the room and she said that it was nice to see a familiar
name on the list after the day she had had. Aaaw - I love
that woman! Why can't I be so much in love with someone who
could love me back? Poooh!!!

One good thing is that I have been mulling over what I said
and should have said and been in agony over it all, but I
have not cut myself about it. I know that, if I was in the
flat in Brussels all alone, I would be doing so, but this
is a step anyway. Oh, by the way, I asked her for more
pills for allergy and didn't mention any depression or
anything today - wasn't I a good girl?! I maintained the
impression that she had healed me of that, even if I did
replace the impression of some kind of normalcy with that
of a total MORON!!!

What do you think, should I go and see her again before I
leave (ie see her tomorrow) and attempt to behave normally
on the pretence that I forgot something? I would have to
not tell my parents, ie sneak there without them realising
at some stage. (This is because they would know it was an
excuse for something else and would prevent me or otherwise
merely know that I fancied her - either of these being a no-
no!) If I did go, I could attempt to be normal... I wish I
could have managed that today, as you probably realise!!!

Oh bollocks! I don't know what to do. If I don't go, I will
be wishing I had for the next however long until her
influence dies down. If I can think of something I should
have asked for while I was there, I think I will do it.
Ummm.... (thinking) ...Despite having ten milllion (OK
that's an overstatement) bottles of the stuff I am meant
put in my bath to help my dry skin, I could probably get
some more!!!Or, what else is there? No, that would have to
be it. I think I will then say that I had fallen asleep in
the waiting room today (there was a long wait) - hence the
weird behaviour and the forgetting what I needed to have
prescribed. That could work...

OK. I'll let you know tomorrow.

Cat *yawn and meow*