LooLoo

Almost Ready for Springer

Well, here's a good beginning. I am starting this diary as
a way to track my thoughts and actions. I made it public
because that gives me an opportunity to be honest with
everyone. Anonymously.

Sidebar: I quit smoking today.

I am going to give a run down of my current state of mind
(or the things around me that affect my state of mind).
That way I have a starting point to judge recession or
acscension from. Or rotation. Whichever happens.

Personal: I am a 31 yr old single female. I am attractive
and usually pretty confident with myself. I am overweight,
though not obese. I am not obsessing about my weight or
appearance right now, but that could change tomorrow. Or in
15 minutes. I wonder a lot of the time why I am still
single and why I can't find the right man. Sometimes I
realize I am looking too hard. Sometimes I might miss him
because I'm not looking at all. I find myself freaking out
because I want a family and children and I feel like that
should be happening NOW. Everyone's mother says "Oh, you'll
find the right person, it will happen," and mine says that
too. The problem is I know women who haven't found the
right person. And are 45 or 50 and still alone. You hear
horror stories about old women who are found dead and their
cat has eaten half their face off because it was starving.
I overfeed my cat. A lot.

Sidebar: Did I mention that I quit smoking today?

Family: Well. I had the most placid family life imaginable
until 5 years ago. My parents were "that couple". The ones
who own a business together and get along and seem to work
like a well greased system. Then the new (very young)
secretary came in and suddenly my dad had been unhappy for
10, 15 or 20 years depending on who he was talking to.
There were many cruel things said, a divorce ensued and my
mother (who I wasn't really close to, but that changed
drastically) was brokenhearted. My sister and I waited
through the 5 years for mom to get angry. Dad remarried
(the secretary) but still she didn't get angry with him.
Dad and his new wife built the dreamhouse he and mom always
talked about, but still she didn't get angry with him.
Maybe a little peeved, but never mad. Dad began buying
everything in sight, including expensive horses he now
breeds. The secretary/stepmother/whore got bored. She
started playing little games. With her best friend. A
woman. Dad called her bluff about stopping it. She was "in
love" (AGAIN). Dad is now divorced AGAIN. He has started
dating my mother. I love my dad but don't want him to go
back to my mother because his bad choice turned out to be a
lesbian who was trying to take him for as much as she
could. I want him to go back because he loves my mom. But
that's not my choice to make. The rest of my family: My
sister, she's always been my hero. She still is. she's
married to a guy who i know loves her but I think he's
pretty selfish. I do like him a lot, even love him, I just
want to know that he appreciates her and I want him to help
her more. He doesn't help with the girls nearly as much as
he should. But that's not my situation to address either.
The girls. I love my nieces more than I can say. I talk to
the 2 year old and just feel happy. She just loves me...
simple as that. And the baby, when I hold her and she
buries her little head in my shoulder I feel content.

Friends: Well, that's a relative word. Relative because I
see my friends as another family. And my family as my
friends. My mom is a best friend. My sister is a best
friend. S is a best friend. She's the same age (couple of
years older) and in the same single situation. She gets
really down sometimes, but luckily my down periods seem to
run alternately with hers so we can keep each other afloat.
Lately though, they seem to be happening at the same time
and that's disturbing. We wind up lying on our respective
couches, watching television while eating something
horrible and being catty, bitchy or just depressed. That's
no good. R is a best friend though she is pretty
misdirected. She wants love so badly that she grabs any
opportunity, declares it so and for her that's ok. I wish I
could make myself believe something so completely and
passionately every single time. But I can't. I do end up
resenting the fact that I or some other friend deals with
her fallout when she realizes something is not quite right.
She does things because that's what she wants RIGHT THEN
and doesn't realize that all those things affect how people
view her forever. There are other friends. The people I
interact with in my everyday life that I really like. That
know about major events in my life and some minor events.
That make me laugh and I make laugh and that I enjoy being
around because I don't have to be the real me and I really
doubt they want me to be. There's the roomate who I like
but is very selfish on her own. And whose boyfriend I am
going to scream at if he keeps using my bathroom instead of
hers. And if he doesn't start spending at least 3 nights of
the week at his f**king house instead of ours. I understand
that he has never had the gas turned on & that it's cold. I
also undrstand that it is not my issue or fault.

So, have I mentioned that I quit smoking? Yes? Well, then
how about that I feel like I am losing my mind?

I emailed my sis to say I was quitting & just got her
response. She wants me to be a godmother to my new niece as
well but they didn't ask me before because of the smoking.
They just don't wnat that in their children's lives. So now
I know I'll actually not start again. But for the moment
lack of nicotine and I don't know what else is making me
boo hoo and I am glad everyone is gone to lunch so I don't
make a total idiot of myself. I am sitting here just crying
away. I hope this doesn't last long....