Fishnet Goddess

Rainbows, Ice-a-ma-cream, and Lemonade
2002-01-03 17:00:06 (UTC)


Something has been on my mind for the past few days,
and it's driving me insane. I love Ryan with all my heart,
and I think he knows that, and I'm definitely sure of it,
but for some reason, I think I'm developing a crush on
someone...and her name is Laura.
I don't know how often I've mentioned Laura and Daniel
in here, but they're our newest closest friends. Sort of
our Fred and Ethel, but we're not quite that attached yet.
Actually, I'm pretty attached...
The other day (New Year's Eve, actually), I had the
whole morning to myself (Ryan decided to work on New Year's
Eve), so my plan was to teach myself a song from Hedwig and
the Angry Inch on the guitar, do laundry, make Laura a Tori
CD (since she liked Tori but didn't have one), and
basically just relax. But things don't always go as
planned. I skipped laundry and I didn't end up having time
to learn "Wicked Little Town", because I spent the entire
morning making her the best Tori CD anyone could ever make.
I seriously worked on it for like 7 hours, even
handpainting a CD insert/cover for it (with "To Laura" at
the bottom). Taking this into consideration, along with all
the time I spent on my makeup that morning, knowing that
she could stop by at any moment, I began to think I was
starting to feel something for her. Then I convinced myself
I wasn't. Then I let mtself think I did. And it's been back
and forth like that since New Year's Eve. It really doesn't
help the situation much that she's bi too, and tells me I'm
cute, and is always all cute and nice and smiley.
Laura has a style all her own, part hippie, part
crossdresser. She shares clothes with Daniel, so she wears
men's shirts a lot, and even his pants. I never thought I'd
be attracted to a girl like that, I usually prefer the
girly-girl type, but Laura's smashed all preconceptions I
had about the feelings I thought I knew everything about. I
shouldn't have assumed that I knew what it was like to like
a girl, a real girl, not a movie star or a girl on some
bikini poster, because it's so much different than I
thought. I knew I was bisexual, but somehow, I thought
liking girls was more of just a sexual thing, and liking
guys (well, loving Ryan) was an emotional, life-changing,
soul-searching kind of thing (as well as a sexual thing).
But suddenly I've been tossed into the reality that I can
have a significant emotional attraction to a girl. I can't
stop thinking about her. But I'm still not even sure if I
like her like that, I've never felt that way about a girl
before so I don't know what to expect. I haven't met and
become close friends with any girls since I admitted to
myself I was bisexual. So I'm all confused now. She's
sweet, funny, cute, unique, and so enthusiastic about
everything. She loves Angie like I do, and wierd movies,
and she smokes, and she likes to dance when she's stoned.
Her eyes are blue, and almond shaped, and she looks almost
elvish. She's beautiful, but not in the conventional
cheerleader sense, more in a faerie-hippie-true-beauty
sense. And she thought the second to last scene of Hedwig
was so beautiful she almost couldn't take it, just like me,
when I thought everyone thought I was crazy.
Oh god, I just don't even know. Last night I
played "Hey Jupiter" (Tori) on the guitar for her and
Daniel and Ryan, and I was so nervous. And I played a
couple of the songs I had written, and she asked me when
the last time I wrote a song was, and I said that ever
since I've been happy, with Ryan, it's been hard to write
songs, because I'm not good at writing happy stuff. I was
so much more inspired when I was sad or longing.
All I know is that I could write a song now, because I
have something new to write about. I'm actually inspired,
and I think that means something...