noctisplendor

alone.

its one of those days. or it was, or tomorrow/today may
be. being alone is good. i like it. i thrive on it. but
only when there's something else waiting for me beyond the
alone, outside of my little box. which, i'm trying to
climb out of. usually it my little corner in my dorm
room. right now its the dark basement they confine me in
when i want to use the computer. but i don't know how to
take the good parts of the alone and mix them with the good
parts of the rest of me. down in my little hole, i'm me,
the real, no bullshit me. but thats not always the me on
the outside.

i'm talking to a very good friend of mine. and i'm not
sure what to say. he seems to be so much more for me than
i am for him. but he tells me i'm a good friend. i want
to be a better friend. we went out for coffee the other
day, and it was as are most conversations with him,
phenominally enlightening. example:

Him: You're searching for something...
Me: yes i am
Him: It's not love. It's not a man. But it's something.
Me: its the missing chunk of the puzzle
Him: What does the puzzle complete?
Me: love and men just fill the hole temporarily.
Me: i don't know. its me, but it fits together in
different ways every day
Him: The thing that gets me about you is how you think you
are so defective
Him: Like you're damaged or used goods.
Me: what do you mean?
Him: "and i think i frighten him"
Him: 'so he must find me absloutely horrifying'
...
Me: why shouldn't i frighten people
Him: Why should you feel offended about yourself when you
do?
Me: i don't not that time.
Him: Then why are you hating it?
Me: i don't know
Him: Because it's scarey.
Him: Because you're on the cliff of yourself, and what if
you fall?
Him: But what if you fly?
Me: and if i just want to jump?

I'm not sure where the conversation will go. but i never
know. what the hell. theres alot about him i don't know.
theres alot about me i don't think anyone knows. but he
makes me think. more than i want to most times. but i can
forgive him for that. i brought this last conversation on
myself.

for now i must go. i think. but i thought that after the
last one too. its 3:30 i think i need sleep.