noctisplendor

facing the firing squad.... or not

tonight i was supposeed to see my friend, the on with the
kid. well, like so many times in the past, he wasn't
there. there can't be any expectation there. but he's the
one that fucking told me to call and plan something ahead.
AAAHHH. i'm not sure why i try. well, yes i am. but i
should know by now that it doesn't matter. if theres no
effort from him, i'm just going to get hurt in the end.

and i did. again. it shouldn't matter and it shouldn't
hurt anymore. at least not from him. i should be numb.
but i'm not. i'm fucking not. i'm just me and i'm still
fucking in love with him.

i wonder if he even knows. i doubt it. but i doubt alot
about him right now. right down to his integrity, and his
promises. fuck, i've doubted his ability to keep promises
for along time now. but i'm still here, and i'm still
ranting about him, so i must want something more from him.
i think. i hope. i pray. and i love him. and i fucking
want him to love me back.

I am hate and I am rage
but I am anger and I am pain
pain you don’t see
pain you don’t feel
but pain you cause.
Would you know anything
if it didn’t bite you
in the ass?
Somehow, I doubt you would
but there are a lot of things
about you that I doubt.
Should I?
Or should I believe
what you’ll tell me
next time?
But, dear,
there has to be a next time.
And somehow,
I doubt there will be.