camicazy

Meshed Up
2002-01-03 04:59:07 (UTC)

Growing Up

i want to write...but i don't know what to write. i suppose
it's because i've written down almost everything in my mind
in my past entry...and i'm afraid that if i write again, it
will all just be reiterations. i mean, who will want to read
the same thing over and over again?

thank you jenn for the message...i don't really know how i
feel about it...but it's nice to know that somebody
somewhere out there has found an answer to one of the many
answers to my question. and it's also nice to know that some
people are sympathetic to my plight. thanks. i really mean
it.

i went out last night with some friends and with the man i
love. as we talked... i mean, as they talked, i just
started thinking about... life. i wonder if there will ever
come a time that my life will be how i want it to be. will
there ever be a time that my life will be okay ... that
everything will go my way...and when friends just don't say
goodbye and leave. i've always been sentimental..and it
hurts me to know that in life, people just come and go. and
people die just because they breathe.

i'm going back to melbourne on the 26th. i don't want to go
back.

it seems like goodbye is starting all over again. i remember
when i was about to leave for melbourne last july. i can't
describe the way i felt that time. it's like, my heart just
went numb from all the crying, from all the dread, from all
the sadness. i remember wondering how i will be able to fit
my entire life into a suitcase and bringing it with me to an
unfamiliar city... an unfamiliar country...a whole new
different world. till now i wonder if i will ever have the
strength again to leave this beautiful yet poverty-stricken
country of mine. i will surely miss my friends...miss my
sister and my kid brother...but i will surely not miss my
parents. life's good without them. life's great without
them.

for the past few days i feel like dying. i know, it's all so
shallow. it's not like my problem is super big..but
still...you know what i mean. it's that feeling of
resignation, of acceptance of the things that you can't
change...and the feeling that you want to change them, but
then, you can't. it's frustration, it's sadness, it's
helplessness. it's just...everything. like i said, life has
almost no meaning for me. why should i live?

i'm not contemplating suicide. i just...i suppose, wouldn't
mind if god decides right here and now to take me. after
all, i have no purpose in this world. why should he waste
his time taking care of somebody who's almost completely
useless?

i sound so pathetic...but that is what i feel and what i
think. perhaps it's all just a part of growing up. i am only
seventeen after all.