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2002-01-03 04:49:05 (UTC)

Took A Good Look At It...

I did not make any resolutions because I just refuse to set
myself up for failing anymore. I turned the handle of the
bathroom door but to my surprise it was locked why would my
husband lock me out. He never does. I asked if I could
come in and my feelings were so hurt when he said, why? I
finally got in after standing there looking so stupid.
When I told him it felt as if we were growing apart he did
not say anything, I asked if he cared he just said, care
for what? My feelings were hurt instantly. I believe he
was irritated and tried to hurt my feelings from something
that happend the previous day. I just can not believe that
I got myself in this. When I was young it felt like I had
it altogether well I guess I am still young but when I was
younger---I thought, it was fun, I knew we were very
different I knew he was not the kind of young man that I
wanted to be with for the rest of my life because he did
not want the same things but in the game I fell for him,
well it was not really a game just something my young
stupid self was doing. Well now, we approach 8 years of
marriage. He still holds it against me because at one
time, I thought it would be best to depart. 7 years ago -
now, I separated from him and decided to go on my own.
There was so many young men who wanted to get with me but
I just wanted to chill. I finally went out with one of
them that I knew for a while. Although, I was out of my
mind, I still laid it on the line - I am married and have
no intentions on building a relationship. He was like I
respect you, I respect what your are saying to me - I was
cool. I begin to relax in my decision - in my mind and eyes
my husband was never going to be or do what I wanted him
to. I do not ask for much but I wanted to go to a ballet,
an opera, sailing something interesting not just stay in
the hood. I wanted to be a Parole Officer instead I
married an ex - con. I love him but the things we go
through. I went out with this guy again, he mentioned my
car because it was wrecked pretty bad - I was trying to get
another one but I needed a co-signer too young I guess
needed to be more established. Well I searched hi and low
but even my co-signers seem to need a co-signer. This guy
offers to help me. He said you are so down, I will help
you get a car. I will co-sign for you not expecting
anything because I know you would not do me wrong just take
care of the note. I agreed after I really could not find
anyone. I finally got the car that I was looking for but
instead of getting the used one, I drove off the lot with
one right off the delivery truck - I could not believe - I
started to like him, because I did not even know guys still
respected women like this and what he had done was
remarkable to me, it was dumb but it was the sweetest thing
any man had done. My husband would not have done so. Any
way this cat was sending red roses to my job sometimes a
dozen sometimes two at 160.00 a pop I did not know what to
do. I chilled, I was proud of me I handle things well - I
still remained a married women, had the nerve to go to
church and everything I did not know this is a form of
adultery. I figured at the time, if we are not sexin then
no harm. With all the gifts I missed my husband can you
believe that I really missed him. I had prayed for God to
help me do the right thing. I gave up everything and went
back to my hubby. He never was right again. He could not
understand how could a man do so much - there is no respect
like this a guy has to have sex before he does all these
things. What I had found out is that someone else out
there valued and respected me more than my own husband. I
have never lived it down and sometimes feel as if I have
messed up my life. It was better not to see how a women is
treated than to know and not get it anymore. No sweet
nothings no sensitivity - no romance it is over. Why do I
stay married now. Because there is no other options for
me. I have messed up so much in the past that I refuse to
do anything other that what I believe is good. The bible
says no to divorce, I will listen to God now because I have
proven to myself that I can not listen to me - If I could
have one wish it would be to have an awesome relationship
with my husband it would be for him to embrace me and
really mean that no one else in this world means more than
I do to him. I guess I can dream it helps the bleeding to
slow down.

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