jenilee

My Fight With Life
2002-01-03 00:41:31 (UTC)

Final Entry

In the past week things I have written in this journal have
seemed to upset and worry some of my friends. I thought the
purpose of this journal was to have a place to express my
feelings, feelings that I have a hard time discussing face
to face with anyone. Being that it seems to have caused
more harm than good, this will be my last entry. I have
discovered a lot about people and about myself writing in
this journal though. One thing I have discovered is that
people accept me better when I pretend that life is great
and nothing can get me down. People want to talk when they
read I have a good day, and they avoid me on my bad days. I
am about one week away from having surgery and my days will
not be good for several weeks to come. I want people to
remember me as the fighter they want me to be, with the
jokes and the laughter that I so dearly love.

What is it that made me reach this decision? It is
something that I have been thinking about for a few days
now but recently something happened that finally made me
reach this final decision. Feelings are very personal and
sometimes best left unshared with anyone. I found that I
was having a difficult time knowing what to write for fear
of upsetting someone. I am not able to express my deepest
feelings of joy, love, sadness, depression or even anger
without having to explain them to people who read my
journal.


To those who follow my journal:

Everyone who has left me feedback....I thank you! It made
me realize that there are a lot of great people out there
and reading it also made the difficult days a little easier
to take.

Kye....Yes, there is evil in this world...but, if you look
hard enough you will find there is also beauty and hope. It
is hard to find but once you do find it, hold onto it and
don't let it go.

Randy....To be able to express your feelings in poetry and
music is a gift from God. You have been even more blessed
to have talent beyond words. Music is one of the few things
that can touch a persons heart and soul. Please don't ever
stop writing!!!

Earl....WOW, you are the hardest person to write to because
you have the ability to make me laugh even on my most
shitty days. Also because writing something serious just
isn't our style, is it? LOL You are such a very special
person to me and I look forward to the promise you made to
me. btw, you really do have an incredible smile... so keep
smiling!

Terry....I wish you all the best in the world. It is truly
an honor that you think of me as a friend and believe it or
not, that means a lot to me. Since we both hate anything
that sounds like goodbye, I will simply say...cya later!

To my fellow PIB's....I do not believe in fan clubs! To me
you are family and we share a bond that outsiders will
never understand. We hated being PIB's and many times never
admitted it, but knowing each and everyone of you makes me
PROUD to be a PIB. 'Commodore Perry, where are you?'

To Sarah, Amanda, Alicia, Amber, Heather, Jay, James and to
My Family...I love you all. What other words I have to say
will be said face to face.

To Jim.... who will never read this but I still feel the
need to say it....First loves are very hard to forget. You
gave me the greatest gift of all. Because of you I found
out that I am capable of caring very deeply about someone.
You gave me hope and made me believe in love and dreams and
for that you will remain in my heart forever.




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