Lenore the fool

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2002-01-02 20:58:13 (UTC)

I think I fucked up

OKay I haven't written recently...so this will be long I
think. Well I just got back from North Carolina and the
whole time I was trying to sort out my feelings for basically
everything. And I decided going back to Dave would be a good
idea so I made plans to see him. Unfortunatly he invited
Trevor and then I got so confused. I found out yes I really
do like him and I do want to go out with him and I have
strong feelings. But after we all hung out the whole day and
after I decided not to do anything. I went back to Dave's
house with only him and after talking I am going out with him
again. And at the time I really wanted to but now I'm not
sure. I really lik Trevor and basically we are going out
again to see if it can work out. And some of the problem is
gone seeing as i wasn't sexually attracted to him anymore and
now i am. And last night was a factor to ammend for that I'm
worried i was sorta lonely and horny...so we ended up making
out and fooling around for sa while then i guess i sorta fell
asleep in a dreamy state on top of him..and I really enjoyed
that but I also realized I would have enjoyed tat no matter
who I was with him. Sort of deranged good news is that if we
can't work it out i basically have his blessing to go out
with Trevor. I don't know what I want...except I want to dye
my hair red. But because I go to a school where they are
fussy and I still have to answer to my parents I have to wait
for my parents approval. I need to change me. I need to do
something dramatic to show the new me. I guess but my
mom...i can't really tell her that. I just want to be
different from who I am not in a bad way...just different. I
need to go threw something to show change. I also think I
will go to a therapist and try and work out somethings...but
I don't really want any of my friends to know about it. I
want to find out who I really am and what I really want.

Lots of love,

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