camicazy

Meshed Up
2002-01-02 15:36:18 (UTC)

The Search for Self

i don't know who i am anymore. i'm lost...i'm lost...i'm
lost.

i don't know if i'm miss friendly, or miss anti-social...i
don't know if i'm really a cheerful girl or i'm a serious
person. i don't know if i'm a slut...or i'm just plain -- i
don't know -- flirtatious.

sometimes i wonder if i will ever find a person who will
love me for who i really am, and not for what i am...or what
i project to other people. i am a different me to every
person i meet... i prepare a face to meet the faces that i
meet. i do this so much that now, i don't know who i am
anymore. i don't know which face is real, or which is just a
mask to conceal what i feel, or perhaps, what and who i
really am.

i see myself in my parents and i hate it. i hate the fact
that i am so much like them . i hate the fact that i am
oversensitive, that i care too much about what other people
think of me, that i'm always so afraid of falling from their
expectations, that i'm just... i don't know... me.

but the question is, who is me?...that i can not
answer...and so i'm not sure either about what i'm so afraid
of...

my thoughts are a mess. my questions left unanswered.
everything in my life leaves me sad and confused. what am i
living for?

i've realized that there is nothing good left in me. i'm
proud, i'm ugly, i'm a slut, and most of all, i'm a phony. i
long for love....but how can i expect someone to love me
when i can not even love myself?

sigh...the search for self indeed. who am i? what am i
living for? what is my life all about? it's like, when you
think about it, life is just about studying, getting good
grades, graduating, getting a good job, earning money...and
then what? and then you die. what's the point in that?

And indeed there will be time
To wonder, "Do I dare?" and, "Do I dare?"
Do I dare disturb the universe
Have the strength to force the moment to its crisis?