fucked up
2002-01-02 09:52:29 (UTC)


Hmm. I just read one of my friends diarys on this place.
I have always been told to write in a diary. I know it
would be much easier to do it online. I don't like carying
anything around with me. And i only write when i want to.
Also i tend to forgett what i was thinking about 2 minutes
ago. so since there is almost always a computer in reach
this is probably the best option for me. Now then. What
to say. First off my name isn't julie or whatever the hell
i said it was. My real name doens't need to be told
though. I feel more comfortable writing when i don't think
anyone would be able to read it. However i do want people
to be able to read it. I have so much shit to get out, and
whats the point of doing it secretly when it could help
people. Whether it does or not doesn't matter. Just the
chance of it happing makes it worth while to me.
Wow. I just read what i wrote. I guess my
friends are right. I would do anything to help
anyone...even if i don't know them. Although some of my
friends seem to think its a bad thing. It don't think it
is for me but i would tell others that it is and that they
should worry about themselves first. "how can you help
others if you are broken" Right? *rolls her eyes* That is
something that i hate about my self. Although I seem to
give great advice...i never take it.(does saying that "i
seem to give great advice" seem ?) Hmm i just asked my
friend what the word for "thinking more highly of yourself
than others" is. He said he doesn't know. He tries not to
hang out with people like that. So aparently im not one of
those kind of people. Thank god. One of my biggest fears
is that i will act like that. Or that other people will.
My other huge ass fears is falling, being burned, and
something els that i guess i had never realized but just
poped into my head is being raped.
I was molested at age 9. That actually wasn't
that bad. I actually somewhat enjoyed it. I hate saying
that though because it makes me feel so dirty. I told one
of my friends and she told me that i had to tell my aunt or
she would tell her. That freaked me out so i told her.
She took me into the room locked the door and told me that
i had to tell the truth about it because if it was true she
was going to call the police. That scared me but it was
true so i told her it was. She said ok and suprisingly i
wasn't in trouble. All during this time my mom was in a
hospital. She had tried to kill herself a couple of times,
and the last time she actually suceded for about 10
seconds. She has depression. So do i although now its
more bi-polar. Hmm back to the hole molestation shit. The
guy was my babysitters husband. He was about 28-35 at the
time. his wife said nothing had happend at court. THe had
a 3 year old little girl named Courtney. We went to court
and i got to see my mom have another nervous break down
because the lawer representing david(the guy who molested
me) Said that i was fucked up in the head just like my mom
and that i just wanted attention. He asked me if i had
seen a movie a few nights ago about a girl being molested.
I said no. Honestly to this day i do not think i saw it.
I did lie about a couple things though. He asked if i
rememberd talking to a couple of girls on the play ground.
I said no. I had talked to them. I was on the swings and
2 girls were on the monkey bars. They were saying that
there uncle david was being charged with touching a girl
and that it had never happend. I said yes it had and they
asked how i knew sarcasticly. I said becuase it was me and
they called me a liar and said that i was just lying just
for attention. I don't remember wich lawer asked me that
but i did know that one of them had made my mom cry and i
didn't want to do anything wrong. One of them also asked
if i thought that david would ever hurt courtny. I said
no. He spanked her before so hard that she would quit
breathing and pass out. Her mom said that she was just
throwing a fit. He did that alot. I should have told them
that. If i found out that he didn't anything to his
daughter...well i don't know what i would do. I already
feel like scum for taking her daddy away. Damn i sure have
written alot. If anyone actually reads this please e-mail
me at [email protected] Later