Nicole77

Ncole24
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2002-01-02 07:09:45 (UTC)

Hollidays are OVER

Well I am glad the Hollidays are over for now again, I
really enjoyed them this year but glad to see them gone.. I
couldn't help but think of all those families that lost
loved ones this Christmas in the attack on the 11th.. Kinda
makes you really appreciate that you are here and you and
yours are all together.. But at the same time I feel the
loss for the people who's lives were changed forever..Well
things are getting back to normal me and him fighting
again, he never spends anytime with us, and when he does
it's like he isn't really there...I HATE MEN!!!! But at the
same time I couldn't live with out him, hard to explain to
myself let alone others.. I know I am very mean to him, not
intentionally but I am, I need therapy! And he does also, I
just need a life with an active partner. The kids are
growing so fast and I feel as though I am failing them, I
wanted this marriage to be different for them to be happy
and at peace with a secure family life, and in so many ways
this marriage is just as the last was, a sham. But I have
to try to tough it out for thier sakes, and if not for
mine, I am 24 and already married twice with three babies,
too much for anyone to take on. So I am still trying to
make the best of it. I got really worried today Randy
knowing that Caitlin is M.R and might be with me until I am
gone made the statement that she couldn't live with us
forever, that he wasn't taking care of a child forever,
well then what the hell is a PARENT supposed to do? What
does he expect me to do with her??????? I mean she is my
child not his, and until Haylee came along she was still my
baby. I mean I know she isn't severe M.R but the chances
of her needing me throughout life is high, I just don't
know what I was supposed to say to him with his statement,
so I said all I could say and I told him I was her mother
and I would take care of her till I die if I have to, with
or without him ---- no matter what, I love her and she
needs me! I mean what kind of mean person could say that
about a charming 6 yr old with the mind of a 4 yr old, she
is so sweet and she thinks he is her daddy, she doesn't
remember her real dad, Randy is all she knows, and thats a
good thing with all the hell her dad put her through, he is
the reason she is the way she is anyway.. I hate him too!!!
She has very little memory of the abuse but she can act
things out in a heartbeat! I am always affraid when she
goes to school or something that she will touch a boy in a
way she shouldn't and get in trouble, but I hope not, she
really is a sweet good girl she just doesn't know what she
feels to do is wrong.. She just doesn't comprehend it. He
has ruined her life! But I try not to dwell on that.. I
guess that is why I feel so close to her though, me her and
brendan have already been through so much in our young
lives, andall together as a family should, and for Randy to
think it is going to change because he is in the picture,
is DEAD WRONG.. I jsut have to learn how to take him, I
guess. Well I guess that is all for tonight....


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