once again
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2002-01-02 06:56:55 (UTC)

a new year

What is it with me? It's a new year and the one thing I've
been bitching and moaning over for 6 months is here with
me. Shawn is giving me the love and care that I've been
looking for since he broke up with me. But last night on
the way home from the bar that one goddamn song played on
him cd that Chris would play for me when we had whatever it
was that we had. When he would play it, I would tear apart
inside because it was right after Shawn had left me and all
I would do is think of the few lines:
Feeling comes so easily because it's all that I know. I
don't let anyone come close to me, I'm damaged as I'm sure
you know. And I'm scared and I'm alone and I'm ashamed I
need for you to know I didn't say all the things that I
wanted to say and I can't take back what you've taken away
cause I feel you.
But last night this twinge was sent throughtout my body
because I saw Q in Florida and he looked at me and his face
just spoke. Like he couldn't believe I was back in his
house. The man Shawn hated me for and wanted to kill had
become one of his friends. But there's this part of me
that wishes he would die for the fact that when I needed to
be held he did it, then said things would happen slowly and
he burned me like everyone else. But then I look back at
the many talkes I had with him and I'm amazed. Chris
Fulwider, born and raised in Chicago, in the ghetto and
trying to improve his life. He has this mind in him that
just prevails his heart...when used the right way. He
touched me a way I thought only Shawn could do but that was
fake. It had to have been, he gaveup whent hings got a
little hectic.
What am I doing though? Why am I waisting my time thinking
about him? I never saw him again before I left. His dad
died. I can't mend broken hearts...he needed that. But he
knows where I am and I the same. But I shouldn't be
thinking about him. I just got my ring fixed from Shawn
for our 1 yr annivesary and I'm doing this. I have no
doubts that he's the one I want but I stop and think of
what happaned and I never wanted Q and I to stop. But it
did and this is where I am and this man I loved for 2 years
is trying to prove to me that we have some thing. I need
to be Claudia again...the girl who worked so hard on making
a persect life with Shawn,
What happened????