Rae

Rae Chronicles
2002-01-02 03:25:11 (UTC)

fuct up

i definately have no life

entry number three for just today.

I'm going down down down.

I think I might have identified a portion of my
fuctupness. Awful mood swings. I'm sad, pissed off,
depressed and all I wanna do is hurt myself. cut myself.
see myself bleed.

really, it makes me feel better. its not so horrible like
it may sound. if some one reads this and knows what I'm
talking about and what I'm feeling send me some feedback.
anyway,

yeah back to horrible awful mood swings. I don't always
feel like this, really. Only sometimes. Other times I'm
perfectly happy. Maybe I just can't deal with stress at
all, thats probably it and I just can't deal. I'm not
really fuct up, I'm just pathetic.

It's not always like this though. I used to be soo happy,
unbelieveably happy. All freshman year you wouldn't see me
without a smile on my face. Sometimes this year I get
happy, well, not real happy but like i used to be, just
passive. shit happens, ya know.

It's just different now. Whenever I get real down, I wanna
talk to some one. Have some one tell me its okay, you're
not just paranoid that you're fuct up, you really are fuct
up. It would make me feel that much better to have some one
tell me that I really am fuct up, but I don't have to be
anymore.

my best friend Alicia knows that I SI now. I showed her my
most obvious scar when I got trashed before the new year.
That was pretty dumb, I'm pretty selfish. She has enough
shit going on in her life in the first place. At least I
don't flaunt it like Savannah. She wants ppl to know that
shes fuct up. Well, I kinda do too but its not like I
flaunt it. I want them too know, but its not for
attention, I want some one to know so I don't have to be
fuct up anymore. Or I want some one to shut me the hell up
and tell me everyone is like this

but I don't think everyone is.

I hope no one else is like this.


It's so easy, you know.

I still couldn't though. The first couple were for that
damn headache. The headache just doesn't go away so I took
a couple more. Then a couple more. Stupid headache. A
couple more. Stupid everything. alicia. my best friend.
Damn it. I had to stop.

It's so easy, you know.

I still couldn't.

I still can't.

It a good thing I'm not that selfish, I guess.

Its horrible how selfish so many other people are. Not just
because some people commit suicide. Its because most people
don't think about what they say. like chris...

I got completely totally dissed-dumped-hurt the other day.
I had been talking to this guy, chris, on the phone and he
basically told me that he liked me. (i said everyone wanted
him, he said not everyone could have him, only i could)
then I met him.
and I have a good personality, but I'm not pretty.
and I don't think I'm ever going to get over this cuz this
is the second time I've ranted in this diary.
and now I'm IMing this guy, trying to get him to be
my friend, and all he will write is 'lol' or 'yup' or 'nope'

"just because im not pretty enough for ya doesn't mean we
can't be friends" 'lol' "don't you agree?" 'lol' "just
laugh at the ugly girl" 'lol' "is it that funny?" 'yup'

my god, it sounds like I have some serious self-esteem
issues, but really, I've excepted who I am, fat ugly and
all and its not an issue.

and some day I will shut up, really.

maybe now.

*srd*RAE*srd*




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