2002-01-02 01:31:32 (UTC)

new years

i feel guilty for not being here. maybe guility is not the
word. i feel like i shoudve been and thats not the right
word either. and its a different feeling then before i came
went to the top of the empire state building and became
overwhelmed and couldnt move. looking at the city, all the
boroughs, and what we have made, people and houses and
buildings together from above something beautiful something
like looking at the ocean, something vast and almost
and i looked down and kept getting these flashes about what
it must have been like inside and thinking about aunt danny
screaming and i hope, hope that she jumped but she probably
didnt and there was so many moments up there that my
stomache felt like it was full of rocks, throat with tears
at the thought of the moment it crumbled. all the people
inside falling and the only face i can see is hers. i hope
she jumped.
so i feel like i should have watched from the roof. i
should have been here during those excruciating days. i
wonder, if i stayed, if i would be the same ritght now. i
guess there is no point in wondering.
i guess what is, is

but i am happy that i had the year that i did, happy that i
am the person that i am, and happy that the night to
celebrate was so good. with my friends and happy, and
appreciative and
i need some time.
i think
some time by myself