still single

sick of all the sh*t
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2001-04-09 22:37:56 (UTC)

lonely as hell

Anyways I really don't know what the hell to say..I woke up
with my mom knocking at my door...I may as well fuckng move
in with her if she's gonna wake me up every morning...I
know I'm being a bitch toi her but I can't help it...she
bugs the hell out of me...I'm just miserable and
lonely...been laying around with my dog feeling sorry for
myself...Prozac's not helping anymore...pulled half my hair
out(what I have left of it after 10 years of pulling the
shit out)and now I'm even more depressed...Why the fuck
can't I stop...I thought I'd be happier this week since I'm
on vacation from work but I'm actually less
happy...wierd..anyways I am going to Disneyland tomorrow
with my niece and nephew...have looked forward to taking
them there...Too bad I don't have children of my own...or
at least a significant other with Marriage potential...hell
just a significant other would do...I feel like my clock is
ticking...I used to be so damn cute and now I'm just eating
and getting fat and bald...damn...I need a workout regimen
and I need to ofucking stop pulling my hair out!!!!!I wish
I was back with my ex sometimes even though I was miserable
when I was with him...was sooo fucking controlling...but he
would tell me he loved me just the way I am and I reaslly
miss that(of course he's also say I was a "fucking whore"
if I said anything about the opposite sex and I never
messed around on him) Anyways we slept together about 2 1/2
weeks ago(and he has a new girlfriend which is fucked up on
my behalf but I was lonely) She moved in with him the same
day they met...How fucking pathetic is that? Anywaysthis
was about 3 months ago after 2 weeks of him begging me to
take him back...yes I broke up with him,...I try to
remember the shitty stuff he put me through but for some
strange reason I still miss him...then the failed online
relationship with a guy I had been talking to for a few
weeks that flew down last weekend..He had absolutely no
sense of humor and was the most ANAL person I had ever met
in my life...What didn't he complain about? I could go on
for days about that one...and I thought he was marriage
potential...we both thought that and we both ended up
wanteing to strangle each other...Believe it or not we
still talk online(it's the only time we get along) and in a
strange way I even miss him...I just want someone...I son't
know...My 10 year high school reunion is this year and I
looked at the website for old classmates and I'm the only
female with the same fucking last name...and I really do
have a lot to self esteem is just in the toilet
now with the hair and weight thing..I was doing soooo
good...all my hair had grown back and the wig was
optional..well I fucked that up again...I want to meet guys
and they try to hit on me but I ignore them because I don't
want to have to explain my baggage to them...It's a no win
situation here. I think I'd e okay if I even had a roommate
or something but my damn dog has it made here with the big
backyard even though I'm lonely as hell in this one bedroom
studio.Damn I wish he was litter box trained or
something...he is small but has a bad attitude...I'd never
get rid of him in a million years but most people can't
stand him and I have to say I can't really blame
he's only 6 yrs old...this sounds cruel(i love him to death
really I do) but he has at least another 6 yrs to go...What
man or room mate would put up with him...that's just
another problem...and I want to quit smoking but that will
cause weight gain too. Fuck I am at my wits end...well
Disneyland tomorrow...It better feel like the happiest
place on earth because I sure as hell need it...

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