shifting mists
2002-01-02 00:30:15 (UTC)

on needs ...

.. over the last two weeks or so i have been 'flying low' i suppose
it could be called .... i've been battling an episode of clinical
depression .... but one unlike what i have experienced in the past ..
for here, with Squall, there is no one picking on me or intentionally
trying to drag me down... there is no snide comments or painful
glances .... so incidentally, instead of being able to ~blame~
something for my depression i've had my first experience of having to
actually say ''i feel horrible because i'm depressed.'' ... not
because i feel heavy or bloated or ugly or inadequate or any of those
self depreciating things ... it's very difficult to do .. accepting
that statement .. not being able to blame something else ....
sigh ....

... anyways ... in my mind while i have been dealing with this recent
episode .. have been feelings and thoughts of how 'neglected' i'd
been feeling ... how i didn't feel ~special~ anymore .... and it was
something i certainly didn't understand because Squall has this way
about him that always makes me feel beautiful and loved .. special
and cherished ...

... this feeling bothered me ... and i began searching for
reasons .... thinking perhaps i was not getting the attention that
he'd been giving before ... less hugs .. less cuddling perhaps ... i
felt that i was lacking something .... that it had been withdrawn or
decreased .... i felt that he was disenchanted ... that i was no
longer ... well .... special .....

in always remembering our constant strive towards honesty with each
other ... both honesty of feelings and thoughts as well as honesty to
not withhold things from each other ... i went to him last night and
we sat down to talk about this ....
and as we are talking a realization was made ...

that these feelings of inadequacy ... this sense of no longer feeling
special has nothing to do with him ... nothing to do with any change
in what he has been doing ... that he is trying just has hard as
always ... that instead, these feelings have to do with me .... and
my needs ...

... and how my needs alter and change when i am depressed ....

.... this is a revelation for me ... for i had never realized that my
needs change when i am depressed ...

that when i am depressed i need:

- more attention
- more reassurances
- more cuddles and hugs and kisses
- more smiles and caring touches (not sexual touches)
- more loving words

that when i am depressed i need:

- to be taken places more often (even if just to take a walk)
- to feel and be reassured that i am important and special
- to ''break the pattern'' of life
- to be ToLD how he (and others) feel about me, think
of me, how much i'm cared for, etc...

that when i am depressed i need more effort ... that at that time ...
it ~takes~ more effort.

because when i am depressed .... i need more ...

.... Jeremy .... thank you .... for being so understanding ... for
sitting down and helping me sort through my mess of tangled feelings
and withstanding my sometimes clumsy attempts to reach out for help
or solve problems ....

... thank you for trying so very hard ... for thinking i'm worth the
effort ... for loving me ...

~ i love you Jer ~