2002-01-01 17:53:21 (UTC)

A Wife's Wish for New Year

I must think carefully about how I need to make the
changes. I feel as if my marriage is slowly sinking. He
says it is ok but I feel something different and one thing
I can not give up is my intuition - now when it is
something else maybe. The old me whould have said, if you
want to trip then so be it - but after reading my bible
finding out what God says about marriage gives me a
different perspective although my pride must be put aside -
I have to aprroach things differently. My husband is not
acting the same way. It was New Year and he does not even
say Happy New Years everything is no big deal I have given
up a lot of things because I know he just does not get it
the way I do and I am not going to down him for that but I
fear that he is losing it. I believe my weight gain and
the way I feel about myself is also hindering things. I do
feel like he is with someone else but a lot has to do with
me feeling sorry for myself. I have no proof at all and
what I wish is that I can feel so good about myself again
that if I have doubts they are because something is wrong
and not because of my emotional state.

I will pray more and work on myself before attacking him -
but it is very hard to do. I want to say hey why don't you
love me anymore. It seems like we make our problem someone
else's it gives us a break from seeing us as we really
are. I am 80 pounds over weight and feeling horrible -
unattractive and maybe I can not see how he likes me if I
do not even like myself right now. I will change my eating
habits and so many other things not for him, well yes for
him but for me first.

I ache. I wish I had someone to connect to. I wish I
could tell my husband my feelings - my pain and he feels
them also and embrace me and say it is all going to be ok
because we would not have it anyother way.

I have two sons and I am trying to teach them to be a man
but to be able to sensitive enough to relate to their
wives. What good is their being a man if you are so
clueless to your woman. First you have to care, then you
have to be involved, you have to want to know and
understand even if you do not. It is a desire... I wish
that I had that. I feel so alone all the time. I know
that I am not but I do. I feel like I am fighting a
crusade that can not be beat or ever conquered. I
sometimes think I will always be in this state but my
relationship with Christ tells me different so this is what
I hold on to.

I have to hurry for a peace of mind. I have to pray and
start today. Wow this is nice and new year, new beginning,
new me.