Meshed Up
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2002-01-01 06:38:34 (UTC)

confessions of a sparticus

welcome to a brand new day of a brand new year. good
morning...or should i say good afternoon?... i've lost
track of time.. i've lost track of almost everything around
me except the continuous twists and turns of my mind. only
god can help someone like me.

my life is a web of deceit which i long to be free of.
nobody can help me.

the people who claim to love me destroy me. and the people
i love...i am starting to hate. my parents... the gods of
this family...they destroy me. they ruin me inch by every

they are planning to migrate to australia and they did not
even consult us. should the embassy approve their
application, they could migrate to australia as early as
march...two months away. two bloody months away.

what's all the rush? i've been studying in melbourne for
five months and i love my life there. i love it simply
because my parents are not there. my parents are the people
who smother me, suffocate me... they are the people who
taught me to be somebody i'm not. they are the people who
have turned me into a creature that lives in hypocrisy and
lies. they are the ones who spun this web of deceit. i am
but a fly trapped in it...and i long to be free.

my older sister cried when we came back. she said she
didn't want to go back to melbourne...she said she hated
her life there..that she wanted to stay here..but my dad
didn't give a damn. my younger sister doesn't want to go to
melbourne either... life's good back here, she says. what
more can you ask for? but my dad once again didn't give a
damn. his reason is because we are still dependent on him,
then we must obey him unconditionally. unconditionally. i
think it's all bull.

if parenting is all about controlling your children's lives
and living it for them, then i don't ever want to become a

my mom must be so happy. her dreams are finally coming
true. her stupid, selfish dreams.

she has always been obsessed with caucasians. she has
always wanted blonde hair, blue eyes. she should've married
an american, or an australian for crying out loud. she
should not have married my father. the reason why my older
sister and i are in melbourne is not because melbourne
provides good education. my mom doesn't know shit about
good education. she has always wanted to migrate to another
country..doesn't matter where, just as long as it's a
country where there are people with blonde hair and fair
skin. my dad wouldn't hear any of it so she looked for
another way and guess what? my sister and i are the way. oh
let's send them to melbourne because melbourne uni gives
great education. i don't know how she was able to convince
my dad. perhaps she did it through lingerie and
perfume...but she did it. and here we are, on vacation but
studying in melbourne..i'm going back on the 26th...and my
parents will probably go to melbourne as well.

i have never known myself...and i've always thought that i
would find myself in melbourne. my parents aren't there
after all. nobody will tell me to "be friendly! smile"
or "say good morning," or "say good evening" or "go kiss
your aunt" even if that aunt absolutely repulses me. i can
be me. i can be heavy metal and baggy jeans...not flower
petals and piano. i am parents have led me around
in circles. i don't even know who i am anymore.

now that they will be going to melbourne, i can see how my
life will be once again. my quest to find myself is gone. i
see myself locked up, caged, and deprived of the world.
this is how they treat us. they destroy my plans with my
friends because we have a family dinner, a family lunch, a
family outing, family crap. i hate family. can't they see
that i don't want to be with them? their mere presence
irritates me...suffocates me.

we live under the same roof and see each other 24/7. must
we do absolutely EVERYTHING together?

they would most likely make me go to the church that THEY
want me to go to, be friends with the people that THEY want
me to be friends with, and probably fall in love with the
man that THEY want me to fall in love with. ahh yes that is
another thing. i am in love with a man...but my parents
don't like him..and they are doing everything in their
power to keep me from seeing him.

i do not appreciate them living my life for me. cliches
cliches .... but that is how i feel. i want to live on my
own, to take life by the hand, and to face the world by
myself...not with my parents.

they claim to be christians ... my dad is a deacon of our
church, my mom is the daughter of a pastor. we are
christians...but we are not. they don't act like
christians. they live for money and die for money. they act
nice on the outside, but on the inside they are vile
snakes. they insult my friends -- even those from church --
and they pretend to be warm and friendly people when the
visitors are around. but when the visitors are gone, they
tell us that they don't want to see those people in this
house ever again.

how am i supposed to respect them for their inconsistencies
and all their lies? they are hypocrites plain and simple.
hypocrites. they treat the employees of our company like
shit. my mum has cousins who work for this company as
well...and she treats them like shit. my mum didn't come
from a rich family...but now she is because my dad's family
is rich. her cousins, of course, aren't as wealthy as she
is...that is why they are working for her. now she doesn't
even talk to them...doesn't even look at them. and they are
supposed to be her cousins.

everything my parents say to me sound like noise to my
ears. i do not wish to listen to your stories of your youth
or how smart you were. i don't care to hear how correct
parents are and how wrong children are. i don't want to
hear your dry jokes and your lectures on how to be a better
person. i don't want to talk to you. i don't want to talk
to you. i don't want to talk to you.

the song "one step closer" by linkin park completely relays
the way i feel...

I can't take this anymore
I'm saying everything I've said before
All these words they make no sense
I find bliss in ignorance
The less I hear the less you'll say
But you'll find that out anyway

Just Like before......
Everything you say to me
Takes me one step closer to the edge
And I'm about to break
I need a little room to breathe
Cuz I'm one step closer to the edge
And I'm about to break

I find the answers aren't so clear
Wish I could find a way to disappear
All these thoughts they make no sense
I find bliss in ignorance
Nothing seems to go away

yes...i'm at the edge and i'm about to break. their
decision to migrate to aussie is the last straw. i can't
take this anymore...i'm tired i'm tired i'm tired. i want
to be free. and just like sparticus...i will be free.

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