brynn1982

Don't Tell My Mom
2002-01-01 06:03:04 (UTC)

Happy New Year to myself

What a way to ring in the new year. Alone. Mom's at her
house and dad's in Florida. It's freezing ass cold around
here and I've been stuck in this house for days. It's not
totally a bad thing. I've had a lot of time to think about
things such as how much I miss Shawn. I want to call him
but I'm scared to. Scared that he might not want to talk
to me. Scared that we might get back together. Why does
that scare me? I have no idea but it does. Maybe I'm just
afraid that I'll screw it up again like I did before. I
just want him to know how much I love him and how sorry I
am.
Anyway...I have been sitting here by myself for a week
now. I've been so depressed lately that it's scary. Don't
tell my mom. She'd have me locked up again.
There's this guy that I think I might be interested in but
he's an extrovert and I'm more of an introvert. He says
that he's into girls that are aggressive and I'm anything
but. Says I'm a little too shy. Wish I knew what to say
when we talk. We're into a lot of the same things but I
can never just talk to him. And besides that my best friend is also
interested in him. She already thinks I'm an "anorexic fake blonde"
as she once told me. Ever since then I've felt really bad about
myself. I know I'm not anorexic and my hair color isn't fake, but
when someone you think is your best friend tells you that it slams
you down fast and hard. I just don't know what to do. It's not like
I throw myself at guys or anything. I mean, hell, I can't even get
the nerve to talk to Shawn. And then tonight she had been drinking
and she said that she loves wine and I was joking around and said eww
and she said "fuck you miss beer drinkin...ok I'm not drunk enough to
say the rest....don't want to start a catfight." I just don't know
what to do. I mean, what am I supposed to think now? I'm hurt
because she thinks ill of me. If I do something that she doesn't
like, why can't she tell me? And if she doesn't like me then why
does she talk to me? She's the best friend I've ever had and I'm
sorry for every bad thing that I've ever done to her. I guess maybe
this is what I deserve.




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