babygirl

lots on my mind but can't write...

ini feel like i have so much on my mind but i just don't
know where to start or say.

ok...first thought...motherhood would be much nicer if i
actually had a husband who truely cared..for me and our
kids. who enjoyed them and wanted to be a family. i feel
like i was cheated out of the fun part of being a mom. i
know i have all the responsibilty of raising them...and i
CAN do it...will be hard but i know i can and will do it.
the hardest part for me isn't the taking care of them.
making sure their clean, taking them to school, feeding
them, and etc...it is playing. it is leaving the other
house crap behind and playing with them. isn't that so sad.
i remember being a kid and wanting my mom to color with me
and play a game with me...so why am i doing the same thing.
dont' get me wrong...its not like i don't hold them and
tell them i love them...i'll rock them to sleep..let them
sleep in my bed when they are scared ...it is the coloring
and barbies and playing. it is easier with one than three.
cause they all compete for my attention at one time. and it
is so hard. i wish i had spaced them out more...i wish i
picked the right man to have kids with. not that there is
such a thing as mr. right...but i wish i picked a better
man to have kids with and i would have prefered not being
married and pregnant a 18. i was 19 when #1 was born, 20
with #2 and 22 with #3. three kids in four years.

and let me tell you it is hard on a body. my journal name
should be "one big stretch mark" instead of babygirl. my
stomach is just wrong. stetchmark doesn't even cover
it...more like stretch mark and wrinkles. my kids ask me
what is wrong with my stomach. hoping i can afford surgery
one day.

ok..making a new page for the rest of my thoughts.

babygirl