Sasami-Chan

A Closed Mind is An Open Book
2001-12-31 19:46:27 (UTC)

anxiety

I wish mom was home so we could settle this situation. I
know it's my fault for not telling anyone Robbie and I had
sex. But I wasn't ready to. That didn't mean when I told
Shannon that she had to go and tell mom and dad. Now that
they have more of a reason not to trust me I'm left
wondering how I feel about all this. Angry at myself for
not listening to Robbie and telling dad before Shannon got
the chance. I should have. When am I going to learn to
listen? Nevermind that, when am I going to learn to
actually talk to my family? Not that I care what they think
anyway. I mean, why should I care? I only keep giving them
more reasons not to trust me. I mean, mom claims she saw me
and Robbie under the covers on my bed. But when I tell her
what was really going on she didnt believe me. I mean, yeah
I guess I wouldn't trust me either but damn. We weren't
doing anything. For one thing, Robbie has too much respect
for my family to even think that. I had too much respect
for my family. I believed they actually trusted me not to
do anything in their house. I was cold. I pulled a blanket
around me. Robbie was laying beside me outside the blanket.
He had stopped playing that dumb video game just for a
second when mom got home, looked in my room and got the
wrong idea... again. Jeez... for once I wish I could do
something right. I mean only one person seems to ever have
any faith in me and thats Robbie. How am I supposed to
think positive about my own future when I don't even have a
serious talent. I can play the viola well enough. I write
decent poetry and stories. I'm somewhat intelligent. But
there is nothing I can think of that I am seriously
definatly good at except mooching off my friends, lieing,
and doing things wrong. I couldn't wait for my dad to get
home to find out some answers. He gets home and all I get
are bits and peices of what I managed to hear from sitting
by my door trying to listen over the tv in the living room
to find out what shannon told him only to find out she told
mom about me and robbie as well as about her and nick. It's
great how all my "issues" get told by someone else before
I'm ready to tell anyone how I feel. Just thinking about it
makes my heart start beating fast and my head start
pounding. I've tried and tried to sort out my thoughts and
it seems the harder I try to sort it all out in my head,
the more distorted the path I'm trying to follow becomes. I
just wish that for once I could do something right to prove
to my family I'm not such a bad person. I mean, they see me
as a rebel. I can't see how they see that... but they do.Is
it because of my ideas on life?? Or the fact that I'm a
very private person? I'm not as streetwise as my mom likes
to say I am... nor am I a slut. I'm definatly not a slut.
My dad told me when I was younger that if I ever thought
about having sex with someone to ask myself if I could see
myself spending my entire life with that person. And I can.
For the first time in my life I can actually see myself
with another person forever. For once I try to listen to
another person's important advice and when I heed to that
advice... I end up getting in trouble for it. Am I missing
something?? Did I suddenly lose track of how the world
worked? Or maybe I'm finally waking up to how life is.
Maybe I'm finally realising that only somethings are
certain. 1. You can't trust your mom because she's like all
women on this earth. 2. You can't keep your mouth shut
because there will come a time when someone will need to
know what it is you are hiding. 3. You can't talk about it
because it's too much information to the wrong person. 4.
Love isn't important to your family unless it's a love
directed towards them. I guess that about sums it all up.
This world really is a sucky place I suppose. I'm darned if
I do and darned if I don't. But I can't stop living. Am I
supposed to live always doing something or somebody wrong?
And if I do, is there really anything I can do about it?
Half of me can't wait for mom to get home so we
can "discuss" the matter at hand and the other half doesn't
ever want her to walk through that door so that I can avoid
the entire discussion all together. I mean, so what if I
said I didn't care if Dad forgot her birthday. She accused
me of fooling around with Robbie while she was gone. She
pretty much called me a pig. I stopped freaking eating more
than one meal a day for her. I tried so hard to lose weight
to show her that I wasn't a fat lazy cow that sat around
all day doing nothing but eat. But once again it all
backfires. Damn... nothing I do ever goes right. To my mom
I guess I'll just always be a lieing fat slut that fools
around in her house when she isn't here. I wish she really
knew who I was. But I guess for that to happen I'd actually
have to "open up to her". Like I'll ever open up to her.
She wouldn't understand. She's too stuck in the past and
too caught up in her own problems. And I guess I'm just
like her then. That's all I care about, right? My own
problems and what happened to me in the past? Ah screw it.
I can't take this thinking in circles anymore. I just wish
I knew exactly what to do. I'm not the cool sister anymore.
I'm not the smart daughter anymore. I'm not anything to
anyone except Robbie and I guess that should be enough. I
mean somebody loves me. There are people who don't know
love and I should be happy because of that. *sigh* But his
loving me doesn't quite make up for turning my whole family
against me. It doesn't replace the love I should be
receiving from my family. Again... I know it's my own fault
they don't care that much about me. I'm the one that keeps
screwing things up because I'm stupid. But I'm tired of
thinking about them. Thinking about them and how they feel
stopped me from using my heart as much as my mind. I
learned to only think with my mind for a while. And then I
met Robbie and he told me to follow my heart. Now that I've
followed my heart I've screwed up my ability to think with
my mind. I JUST WISH I COULD GET IT RIGHT FOR FUCKING
ONCE!!!! I'd like to be able to see into the future so that
I can know exactly how to act when and where and what to
say and what to do but I can't. I can't do a damn thing
right sometimes. And the consequences are a bitch to deal
with.