Forgotten Misery
2001-12-31 19:05:04 (UTC)

Y I am the way I am

Ok on my last journal entry I was in one of my moods and
heres and explaination or I guess you can call it a short
summary of my life story.Well here goes nothing

Ok last night I was thinkin in my own thoughts and I
think it would be good for me to tell everyone my life
story and what makes me tick so I feel like im writting a
story lol ok heehee this is cheesy but has to start some
how It all started back when I was nothing but a cute lil
10 grader in love with a senoir by the name of ryan. I had
been crushin on him since my freshman year cause he was so
just not one of the normal type of guys he was so sweet
and nice to me which was a change for me. Well band camp
was goin on and me and him flirted like crazy but see at
the time jacoub murphy asked me out and we had been
together for like 1 day or something and it was all good
until after the parent show that night when we all headed
out to the georgetown drive in well i was with jake and was
all good yet ryan was behind us and i was gettin jelous
when he would hit on other girls and yet annoyed cause he
kept bugging or hitting murphy well murphy left after the
first movie and I was bored and still very in love with
ryan well it was cold and he was in his car so i was like
yo ryan let me in im a freezin. Well we hit it off and
talked like the whole night and firlted and held hands and
all that cute stuff and then we saw shooting stars and I
will never forget when I asked him if he made a wish he
looked me in the eyes with his pretty blue ones and told me
only I could make his wishes come true well the next day
there was the guard party and I went to target to get silly
string and well to find him and see if he was coming well
before I went I broke up with jake and told him he was like
a bro and i liked ryan so i went and guess who got off work
early and came ryan i was so happy and all the guard were
like hey ryan she likes u and broke up with her b/f for u.
well we went to his house and cuddled and then went back
and he took me home that night. well ok the next day we went
out and saw a movie and spent the whole day togther well
school started and we werent officail yet and angela was
trying to get her hooks in him needless to say he was with
her one night when i called but he came and got me so ha i
won but still i was so jelous well anyways thats how it all
started on our one month he gave me a rose in my guard
locker with a poem he had written me and his class ring on
it i so almost cried i was so in love with him well all was
good until a week after we went on the band trip which i
was real sick on and he took care of me yet i still flirted
wit murphy to much and wasnt as good as a g/f as i could of
been to him so we split after a long drawn out break up
that i thought would never end and still after three months well
almost made that mark it was 3 days beofore nov 15 sighs i loved him
and cried that whole night and the next day well my pain turned
quickly into hate and we started fighting everytime we talked on
line well a week after the break up was thanksgiving break
and one of his friends adam took advantage of my situation
and we went on like a date or 2 but all he wanted was to
have sex with me and i didnt care well his parents were
gone and he lead me to his room and befor i knew what i was
doing or what was happing it was to late and i still feel
the pain of that night to this very day i didnt want to and
it wasnt by choice i layed there and was screaming inside
to make it stop and i finally threw him off me and got my
clothes on i mean he wanted to keep going and the condom
had broke cause i wasnt ready for him to do what he did so
after that happend a week or 2 went by and angy had me go
on this date with aaron and she was with geoff well i still
was hurt and didnt care all i wanted to do was make ryan
jelous so we were talking about or dates at the game
hoping they were cute well once again i got my self into
something i didnt want angy told me to go in her room with
aaron well yeah we messed around and almost did it but hell
i didnt know him and what if he was dirty i had no clue
well after it was over i was so glad i mean ahhh i didnt
want any of that to happen well i got online and once again
me and ryan went at it cept this time it was over the fact
i told him i cheated on him to piss him off which i did i
messed with murph but it felt so wrong and i knew from that
moment on i only wanted him well see and the only reason i
ever cheated was because he went out with some girl he had
been friends with for years and i was jelous as hell and
thought he was cheating and he didnt i threw us away well
after a few months things cooled down some and i started to
date jake kruer well his lil sis liz hooked us up well we
dated and i was like my knight that had come to rescue me
from my pain well no i never fell in love with him i still liked ryan
stupid lil me and he never loved me either he couldnt give up the
other girls in his life and was to busy firlting to notice me and i
couldnt take it so before i left to nc which he didnt even remeber i
broke up with him and we had a talk after school that
monday and he told me he wanted to try us again and left it
up to me well i never went back and talked to him i couldnt
it hurt to much and i knew it couldnt be. Well the next
day I went to the doctors and they asked me alot of
questions which really scared the hell out of me well they
took like 4 tubes of blood to do alot of test well nothing
was wrong with me physically it was emotionally and that
hit me like running into a brick wall. Well the doc told
me I had social phobia and clinical depression that hurt me
so much well i went on paxil and it made things better alot
better but now it doesnt work it got rid of my social
phobia but now im back to square one with the violent mood
swings i suffer from. This goes from one min im slap happy
to the next im so angry and just yell and scream and want
to hit stuff and tear things apart to the sitting alone
curled up in a ball in complete silence just staring away
then when that happens I get parinoid about things and dumbshit
starts crossing my mind and i start to believe them so anyways well
summer came me and ryan were coo now and back to being friend i
guess well me and murph starting talking and he told me he
loved me and knew we were meant to be and get married and
all that other bull crap well he dumped me for another and
did i ever cry well jamie and cory were around when that
happend to me so coreys like u should come out camping with
me and jason again so dumb dumb me out of pain agreed well
we went and i ended up sleeping in jasons tent let me tell
u how used and dirty i felt that next morning that boy
wouldnt not keep off of me and we messed around and once
again almost had sex but i didnt know him and thats not how
i had invisons things happening i wanted the next time to
be with someone i loved with all of my heart which it was
well me and jason never talked after that day. Well befor i went
camping i went to see ryan at target cause he had been leading me on
hard core and i thought me and him were gona be together again i mean
we had been talking online and these wernt any pg rated conversasions
more like major x rated he said he was joking and didnt mean any of
it once again i felt used and i have these convos saved if anyone
wants to read what an ass but we are friends i guess but he is an ass
to girls he changed for the worse yet the old ryan pops in somtimes
like when he came to school to tell me bye but anyways time went on
and Then me and geoff started dating well we talked for awhile and i
really liked him and i think i had since i had meet him that first
time and i wish i had been with him and not aaron but i
cant change that now so i fell hard and fast for geoff and
i loved him more than i had ever loved ryan which was my
first true love. Well all was good with me and geoff
until time started to tear us apart his car he traded it in
for a piece of shit which meant no car to go out in well i
felt as he spent more time with his friends than me and
that hurt me so bad i loved him and only wanted to be with
him every min of every day which was impossible. Well i
was dealing with losing my grandma and a massive drop in my
grades and the depression set in for a 2 round which im
still dealing with to this day. Then my life crashed with
the news for sure i was to move after all the years of
maybe it finally happened and here i am in ohio writting
this in misery well me and geoff were getting into massive
fights due to my moods and well i left my party to go see
him to talk and there it all ended my heart got ripped out
and trampled on left for me looking at and what is left of that
mess is still somewhere in indiana and im left here with a
small piece that struggles everyday to keep me going and
keep me alive. Im still in love with geoff to this day and
i hate myself for it and i try to make myself mad at the
whole thing and mad at him but i cant i dont want to fight
with him i just want to be in his arms and i cant i tell u
what i would give anything to be in his arms this new years
and kiss him as the ball droped but it wont be i will be
alone staring at the tv in my own misery missing what
happiness i had with him and the life i had back home my
true home were my heart is with him and all of my friends
that i was torn from i mean my dad moved me early i didnt
even get to say goodbye to those who mattered most i said
goodbye to one person ashley and we cried and cried then it
was so hard to watch her drive away to not see her for
along time well i cried all the way to cincy and then in my
new house in my room on the floor i cried myself to sleep.
Well here i am all alone wondering what the new year is to
bring me i start school on wed or thurs im so afraid what
if they dont like me i mean im so afraid of changing and
losing touch with those i love with all of my heart and
soul well thats my story and thats y i am the way i am
things i have kept to myself i now let out wit the trust of
those reading this. Well im gona go now I love everyone
and i miss u more than u could ever imagine espicailly u
geoff cause i know u dont want to hear this but i still truley am in
love with u and never stopped loving u even though we broke up which
sux but ok im gone

Love now and Forever,