i_bleed_life

The mediocrity that is me
2001-12-31 11:15:57 (UTC)

Wasted thoughts

Damn it all to hell. I lay there in my bed, trying to
sleep, and I just write so much garbage in my head, but
when I sit down to try to put some of my thoughts into
words, I draw a complete blank. I suppose I'll just babble
on as usual and see if anything halfway 'me' comes out.
Sometimes I think that what I really want...all that I
really need is to be loved. But then I think about it, and
that's not it..I am loved, and completely miserable. I
don't need to be loved...I need to be needed.

Someone once said to me "Everyone wants to be
differet....just like everyone else." If we hold that
statement to be true, then would the reverse of it also be
true? What if all you really want is to be like everyone
else? Does that mean that you, out of everyone, are truly
unique? If that's true then it would seem that happiness is
impossible...Those who want to be different are not, and
those who desire normality cannot possibly acheive it.

You know, sometimes all I really want is to be exactly like
everyone else. And I know it sounds incredibly juvenille,
but damn it, I just want to fit in. Everyone has their own
little niche that they live in...I want mine. I want that
group of friends to rely on. Oh hell, I guess I want what
everyone else wants. So maybe I am normal. Maybe I am just
your typical American teenage girl. The kind who only wants
what she can't have and doesn't get along with her family,
and all that other crap. Do normal 17 year old girls get
hospitalized for attempted suicide? Maybe it's not that
strange to dream of death. Antidepressants (Paxil being
included in that) are the most perscribed drugs in the
great United States. Is it normal for me to have suicidal
thoughts since I was eight? Do most children get packed off
to psychologists for holding knives to their throats?
Maybe. Part of me sees that as normal. Are the majority of
the kids in high school REALLY that worried about finding a
date for whatever menial high school dance is next? Or are
they like me, putting on a happy face when they
aren't...pretending that is what they want, just to save
face...or make conversation. I don't know. Who knows what
normal is anyway? However, I've come to the conclusion that
I am basically as normal as it gets. Normal....not
typical...just normal.

And now that I have rationalized myself into the annonymity
of the crowd, I wonder if this is what I really wanted in
the first place. Because if i AM normal, then what else is
there to me? Nothing, and life is worthless and empty, and
I am left sitting in front of a computer, typing this
meaningless crap, and wishing that someone needed
me..wishing that someone could save me. And so it continues
in the meaningless cycle of life...nada y pues nada y nada
y pues nada. Hail nada who art in nada nada be thy
name...


(oh, and to avoid taking someone else's words, and also to
remind myself where it came from...everything after
the 'nada' came from Hemmingway's short story "A Clean,
Well-lighted Place"..I might have mixed it up, so you
should read it and get the words as the author intended)