blueswede

electronic heroin

I've spent the whole damn day playing "Fallout 2." In the
absence of human contact with my peers, I have become a
gaming junkie. It's so addictive, and it's not even always
that enjoyable.

Other than making some progress in my game, I've done very
little. My closet and dresser got a little bit organized,
and I helped my dad shovel the driveway and porch, so that's
not so bad. I've also been getting almost NO exercise these
past few days, which is not helping my weight loss plan.

My computer seems to be deteriorating, meaning I'd best
hurry up and get a job so I can upgrade the machine.
Components are far too expensive, and it's impossible to
find someone trustworthy who'll tell me what would be good
to get. I'd consult with a friend of mine who knows this
stuff pretty well, except that he acts like an asshole
everytime I ask about something outside my understanding.
And of course if it comes up that I'm on a budget, he gives
me shit about my inability to get/keep a job. So fuck it,
someone else can tell me.

This is why vacations depress me: having no contact with
most of my friends at school, I dwell on the past and
realize that my life has been one long series of screw-ups.

The worst part is that it's hard to get sympathy for my
plights. I'm doing well in school, I'm bound for a good
college, my parents are still together, and my family is
financially secure. No reason to complain, right? It's not
like everything's totally fucked for me.

But I sure as hell feel like things are fucked, at least
compared with how some people's lives are. I have very few
close relationships within my family, due in part to the
fact that 95% of them live across the country. I'm too
poor, too allergic, or too unaware to support my potentially
social hobbies. I have few friends that I see on a regular
basis (outside school), and they frequently get on my
nerves. And of course, the eternal loser's complaint: after
all these years, I still don't have a girlfriend.

So that's the way things are with me. My social life sucks
it down, and I can't afford sufficient distraction. Now if
you'll excuse me, I'm going to go have a breakdown.