Christine

Visions Of Life
2001-12-31 06:18:00 (UTC)

Struggling With Sanity

Hmmm... Being bipolar is a terrible thing.. I love being
manic but when depression comes a knocking, it takes its
toll.. For awhile I was constantly manic and loving it.
Mania makes me happy. I feel energized and basically feel
like a goddess. But everytime I am up I must go down.. And
each day it gets worse.. I am not in a constant depression
or anything but I have been getting more and more
depressed.. It was happening like once a week but now it
happens like every other day and each episode is worse then
the previous one. It scares the hell out of me because I
know how bad it can get. At least I know when Im going
crazy.. I know when my mind starts lying to me.. But I
almost want to give into the darkness.. Giving in would be
so much easier then fighting to hold on to sanity.. Like
this morning.. I felt rejected and alone and unwanted.. No
real reason.. Just a couple little things that my mind blew
out of proportion.. Ever read the Kurt Vonnegut book,
Galopagos? Well.. one of the themes in the book was how
humans had such big brains back in the day(the present) but
these big brains were disfunctional and liked to lie.. Mine
does that alot. It tells me such horrible things then backs
those up with horrible grotesque images.. *shutter* It
tells me I am unwanted and unloved and that I need to die
to save others from being around me.. Then I get images of
me killing myself.. Its quite unpleasant.. And nothing
usually brings it on.. I can deal with the scary images and
even my mind lying to me.. but now it is starting to eat
away at everything I have worked so hard to achieve.. I
used to cut myself daily. It kept me alive.. It kept me
from killing myself.. But it was an obsession and an
addiction.. I couldnt sleep without hurting myself and
everytime I was upset I reached for a knife.. In February,
I broke the habit.. Stopped having those urges for the most
part.. Maybe once every few months I would get a brief urge
to inflict pain on myself but nothing bad. Now, everytime I
get depressed, I instantly think of the cool blade.. It
takes all of my willpower not to go get a knife.. That
scares me.. because an obsession in my mind might lead to
me actually grabbing the blade.,,. The longer I crave it
the more I will need it.. I worked so hard to overcome that
addiction and now that no longer seems to matter..I dont
think I will be overcome by the darkness but I almost want
to be.. I am sick of living like this.. I feel like such a
freak and feel like no one can ever love me because I am
too fucked in the head..I mean, could you love a psyco?