The meanderings of a mind
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2001-12-31 04:07:32 (UTC)

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year

I had another fight with my mom. I used to think I
had a pretty good relationship with my mom, but I guess
that is only during the good times. I don't get to see
Aaron that much. A couple times a week maybe, if I'm
lucky. Most dating couples go to school together, live
really close....we don't live far but he certainly doesn't
live next door. We are quite far away while I'm on
Christmas break and with no school work to keep my mind
occupied he is even more in my thoughts then while I'm at
school. I have a cell phone to call him, but I do believe
it is defective because I rarely get through on it, it also
rattles like a babytoy when I pick it up so I believe
someone dropped it. I swear I have a point. My mom is
great about letting Aaron visit. He stays in the guest
room and we get to spend a lot of time together while he is
here. While my mom was at work we were flipping through
channels trying to find something on tv to watch while the
pizza I was baking for lunch was in the oven. My mom
called and asked what we were doing, I answered "flipping
through channels trying to find something on tv to watch."
simple enough. She said that if we didn't find anything to
undecorate the trees, I told her I was sure we would find
something. That didn't mean I wasn't going to NOT do it.
My mom is always asking me to do things (her polite way of
telling me to do things) I might tell her no sarcastically
but I do them. This isnt' something new when Aaron is
there, however she said it was. She yelled at me for my
attitude and that I don't do the things she asks of me,
also that she is paying for my school, I am living in her
house, and she gives me spending money. Ahem. I have
mentioned this several times over. I wish she didn't have
to pay for my school, but growing up I was promised tuition
to the college of my choice if I kept my grades up. I
managed to do that and was in fact valedictorian. If my
mom hadn't decided to move me to the middle of no where
where I did not fit in and could not get proper guidance
(sp) I could have gotten a FULL RIDE to college. As far as
the living with her thing....I sincerely wish I didn't have
to. I could easily live with Aaron, or on my own, but my
mom refuses to allow any such thing. She is choking me
with these so called apron strings. It is because of her
that I still live at home. I have a parttime job that
gives me a little money for eating out and gas and
presents, and it keeps me, THANKFULLY, from being able to
come home friday nights, and because i must sleep the
earliest I can come home on the weekends is late saturday
afternoon. Apparently this was the wrong choice as well
since I get bitched at for that but I'm glad I don't have
to come home every other weekend. My freshman year my mom
complained so much I ended up coming home nearly EVERY
weekend. My mom yells at me and refuses to allow me to do
things, when it should be my asking her is merely a polite
way of telling her i'm going to do something such as her
asking me to do things around the house. Recently an old
highschool friend of mine decided she was happier as a
lesbian, odd at first, but fine with me. I was invited to
go out of town to stay for new years eve until the next
morning so we wouldn't be on the road with drunk drivers
and my mom said "i dont' think so" She wasn't comfortable
with the idea of me being around lesbians, as though it
were going to rub off. I am past legal age to make my own
decisions. I can run off and get married at anytime...but
I don't. After my mom throws this huge bitch fest in my
honor she acts as though everything is fine and i'm
supposed to laugh and giggle and hug her and tell her I
love her and bow at her feet, yet I would rather not be in
the same room with her, I am not a five minutes later you
are forgiven type of person. I got bitched at again for
not talking to her since she yelled at me...while I was
leaning against the car door sleeping a bit while she was
pumping gas for our little shopping roadtrip today she
opened the door unexpectedly and I nearly fell out, she
yelled at me for a bit while Aaron was in the store getting
a drink and threatened not to let him come visit anymore, I
didnt have time to answer and my mind wasn't very clear I
may have nodded or shook my head. When she was done
yelling she slammed the door, ramming it into my knee.
Perhaps because I wasn't giggling cheerfully but staring
out the window thinking of multiple ways I could comitt
suicide if it weren't for my love holding me together, she
offered to turn the car around. I did not want to go
anyway...I had no money, did not like the outlet mall we
were going to, and could care less about spending time with
her, but I said no for her benefit, and again she acts like
everything is fine. Nothing is fine. I want more than
ever to get out of this place now. I didn't want to
overdose on the painkillers I got, I just poured so many in
my hand to show how easy it would be and cause I wanted
Aaron to...I don't know....know how bad I was hurt without
me having to say, Aaron i'm hurt, because sometimes words
aren't possible. As this new year rolls around I am
thankful that I found love and I know I couldn't make it
right now without it. I don't know that I have ever had a
Happy newyear or a merry christmas, something always seems
to happen. This year is no different except having someone
I love with all that I am makes the sad times not so bad
and the happy times that much better. My new years
resolution is to make him proud to call me his and to show
him how much i need him and love him and want him. How
important he is to me. and to all a good night

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