Another lost soul

Caste Shadows
2001-12-31 02:42:19 (UTC)

Feelin' down

Not much to write today, I guess. I have all these
unorganized thoughts running through my head. I'm not sure
how this will turn out...

Whitney didn't come talk to me today. I didn't think she
would. I waited to see if she would instead of me going to
her. I'm going to continue to wait for her to talk to me.
I'll see how much she really wants to.

Whenever I get like this, I can see everyone's faults. I
can see Whitney's faults. She is too proud. It is better
that I keep them to myself. Its just really sad that she
cares more about a message board than me. She doesn't want
to deal with me when something is the matter, yet I am at
her feet as soon as something is the matter for her. Its
like I'm a slave. She really disapoints me. Its not her
fault. That's just how she is. She wants me to be happy,
she cares about me, but she's just... different. I can't...
won't say anything to her about it anymore. She gets upset,
oh does she get upset. I guess its not so bad being her
slave. I like her a lot. I just wish she would change a
few things about herself. But who am I to wish that? She
is who she is. And I like her for a reason. Who cares if
she isn't perfect for me? I already have a perfect someone.
But she still hurts and disapoints me a lot. More than
anyone, I think. Its because I care so much. I really
don't understand yet.

I'm sad because Tiff isn't around. She makes me feel okay
again. Just being around her... its enough. I've never had
anyone understand so much. She's been gone for days
though... I don't know how much more I can take. Tiff is my
life when Tay isn't around. I might see Tay tommarrow night
though. It would be in a large, public area, but at least I
would get to see her. But I'm not getting my hopes up. I'm
hurt whenever I do that.

I feel bad for Lise. I talked to her today, but I was too
sad to be much company. She might take it personally. I
hope not. I don't deserve to have her around me like this,
not when there is nothing she can do about it. I still
can't believe she calls me her best friend. She's six years
older than me. I've only known her for like half a year,
but it seems like much longer. I guess that is because I am
trying to forget my past. She's six years older... I guess
it doesn't seem so awkward. Age doesn't mean anything to
me. Its not the age that has me wondering, its that she's
had that much longer to find someone else to call her best
friend. She has a great boyfriend though. I'm not
surprised there. But... lately she hasn't seemed as great
to me. I guess its because of that three month gap in which
I didn't see her... I didn't want to, but I grew apart from
her. I found someone more like me to call a best friend.
Tiff... Well I don't know. I don't know if she is more
like me. Tiff is like one half of me and Lise is the other.
But... I still can't help but feel closer to Tiff.
Especially after all she has told me... oh I'd better stop,
I'm making myself cry.

I didn't see Natalie today. So I still have no idea. I
think... I think she will tell me if it is me...
eventually... another thing to worry about...

Oh Tiff...




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