2001-12-30 19:41:30 (UTC)

what goes around comes around...

i wrote this a while ago, on 12-15 but i guess i never got
round to putting it in here. this was when i was still
convinced she didnt like me at all anymore and i was having
real bad times trying to figure shit out.. makes me sad to
think hey this has been kinda been upsetting for awhile..
but anyway. my kittys sleeping on my lap i love her so

heres the thing i wrote.

i talk, but do you listen?
you dont talk and i want to listen.
i want to listen to every word you could ever think to say.
and it pisses me off.
i dont understand whats going on and i HATE HATE HATE
HATE not understanding.
i hate feeling unsure and unsafe.
just exactly when i started feeling sure and safe
thats how it goes with me i guess.
what goes around comes around?
is it coming around?
why else would you back away as i got closer?
and after all the times i havent let myself care,
this time i really fucking do. a lot,
what goes around comes around...
i've managed to look past all the little shit..
-which is really big shit to me-
but not as big and important as you have become.
and i told you from the start
i thought i made it very clear
and NOW you decide to be "cautious."
as soon as i realize what i want, what i need,
as soon as i start thinking the way i NEVER think,
then you back off?
cautious...careless... whatever.
its all the same to me.
im stupid for thinking i could make anything work.
stupid for believing in me and anyone.
i was so proud : this time i wont fuck up!
put you first, put you ONLY
words i dont even use anymore running through my mind.
-but not yours.
well shit.
and i dont know what to do now.
should i just go back to how i was?
if i cant make this work, im never trying again.
if i have fucked this up, im giving up.
i'd sooner go back to ho-time.
feeling dirty and alone and shitty.
then feel like this.
but i dont want to give up yet..
i dont want to walk away,
i want you to want me to stay.
but where exactly do i fit into your life?
or do i at all?
i dont think theresreally much room for me.
what goes around comes around.
i hurt someone because someone else hurt me because someone
else hurt them, or maybe just cus they're a pyscho.
it doesnt matter.
what goes around comes around.
and it looks like its my turn again...