starry nite

my own world
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2001-12-30 04:20:51 (UTC)

so many feelings

so james is out of jail, i talked to him yesterday and the
day before. it was weird to see him again. i still have so
many feelings for him and want to be with him but i dont
think i can handle being hurt again. he makes me feel so
special though and i never thought i would love someone
like i love him. he listens to me when i need to talk to
someone and trys to help me through my suicidal times and
give me reason not to kill myself and to not cut.he helps
keep me strong and we had so many good times. way more good
than bad. and i wish more then anything that we could go
back to the way it used to be.i just dont know what to do
about anything anymore. i want to die but i'm trying so
hard to just tough it out and get through these shitty
times and just try to remember things wont always be like
this. i haven't cut in over a month and hadn't had any
urges until yesterday when i hung out with james. we talked
for a while and talking about my suicide wish was tough. it
just got me stressed and he gave me all these reasons why
he cared about me and wanted me alive and it meant a lot
but it just brought up all these old feelings i had and
made everything so much harder. why am i in love with
someone that i dont know if i can even trust? i want to
give him another chance but i have given him chances in the
past and it did no good. and i don't want to be one of
those girls that stays with a guy that treats her badly and
refuses to see the relationship for what it really is and
end it. maybe i will try one more time. just one more
chance and see if it works out then. what do i have to
lose? i have these suicide thoughts so often now i never
know when i will do it so why not try one more time. maybe
things will work out and i will end up living and becoming
happy. who knows....


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