BabyDoll

The Life of Kana
2001-12-29 18:02:03 (UTC)

Sitting Here

Alright,
for the past hour I have been doing nothing but reading
everybody elses diaries. I find it interesting. I used to
think these online diaires were for kids. .but now I see
they arent.
Ive just been sitting here. .thinking. . .
I hope this doesnt make me seem like a bad person. . but
Ive been thinking about my friend. . John. Hes. .
interesting to say the least. A very complex person. I have
never met him in person, scared to , to be honest. Just
talked on the phone or online.
Ive known him for a few months now. . he lives in
Louisiana. . and Imed me one day, cause he was bored I
guess.
We found out we had alot in common. Alot. . . .
strange. . little things I wont even go into detail about,
because theres no way I can.
He wants to meet me. . in fact he tried to yesterday but I
guess something came up, he said he might not be able to. .
and well anyway he didnt come.
I dont know what to think about this. . I mean I do
think about it, but I dont know what to make of it. He says
I dont belong with Josh. . and frankly. . Im getting tired
of everybody telling me this. . I duno if I know one person
who says we are. . good together. . and that kinda scares
me. . .
Josh and I have been thru hell together. . to keep us
together. . it'd be such a waste. . . his family hates
me. . they wish I never met their son, and I to this day
dont understand why. For the first month we dated, his
mother wouldnt let us go to the movies by ourselves. .we
had to take his little sister along with us. . and to make
it worse, Josh HAD to pay for her ticket and if she didnt
want to see the movie. . none of us went. . . we had to
sneak out to see our first movie together. . alone. . .
that. . to me. . is rediculous. . . but it also tells me
that his mom has. . . not been too fond of me from the
start. . considering that she just let her daughter
(brandi) go to the movies with five guys. . alone. . .
tells me it wasnt so much of a mother thing. . it was just
me. . . that hurts me more than I can say. .knowing that
this woman hates me so much. . and why. . I dont understand
why.. . . that hurts. .I cant tell you how many times Ive
cried over this.
I didnt spend christmas day with Josh. . his mom wanted
him over at her house. . . . I wasnt invited. . so I told
Josh to go. . and i would go see my grandmother. . I stayed
there. . and waited for him to home get me. . . I started
crying on the way home. . I just. . I wanted to spend
christmas with Josh. . and it kinda felt like. . he chose
her, ya know? over me. . .and it hurts that they just. .
forget about me so easily. .
I probably shouldnt have but I wrote a really long. .
email to Brandi. .telling her how I felt about EVERYTHING.
She probably will go and show it to her mom. .who will
bitch out Josh for it. . but. .I really dont care. . I have
held it in for too long. . its killing me. .and tearing
Josh and my relationship apart. . . I cant hold it inside
anymore.
Alright i'll shut up. .no i wont. . .
Im tired. . of people trying to tell me what they think is
best for me. Dont they think I would know?? Im tired of
guys IMing me. . or emailing me. . acting like they just
want to be friends. . then they go and tell me they think
they would make me happier. . its driving me nuts! I cant
stand it anymore!! Josh is to the point where he doesnt
trust me!! I have been staying offline to avoid people. . .
Im tired of it. . .its only making me more sad than usual.


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