The Life of Kana
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2001-12-29 17:10:13 (UTC)

Just Me

This is my first diary entry and Im a little nervous.
Well. . the reason I am writing this diary is mainly for
release. For me to have a way to let go of things. .
whether people read it or not isnt really the point. If
they do it would be nice to have their input. . but this is
more for me to just get it out of my system.
Well, let me tell you a little bit about myself first.
My name is Kana. . I am nineteen, blonde hair a little past
my shoulders,dark green eyes, I am four feet eleven inches
tall. . yes, Im short.
I currently live in a small apartment in a city called
Theodore, in Alabama. I just moved here about three months
ago with my boyfriend from Bogalusa, Louisiana. . where I
spent most of my life. . .My boyfriend moved here for a job
offer. . I moved here to get away from the town and to be
with him.
I dont have a job at this point. But I will be looking for
one now that christmas is over. I dont want anything major,
just something for me to do and get paid for it. Id
probably like working at the mall in a clothing store or
something like that . nothing big. It would be more for me
to get out of the apartment. . and the extra spending money
would be nice.
My boyfriend's name is Josh. . and we have been together
since we were 16. . he was my high school sweetheart. . we
went to the prom. . . . dances. . the whole bit. . .
When I turned 18 my mother lost our house. . the house I
had lived in for 16 years of my life. . the house my father
died in only a few years eariler. . .she . . found other
ways to use her money and neglected to pay the rent. .
which she only had another 6 months to pay on and the house
would have been ours. . . but. . she lost it. . . and I was
left with nowhere to go. My mother didnt tell me what was
going on until oh about a week before we were supposed to
move out. . .
I tried staying with my sister but I felt really
uncomfortable. .I didnt want to impose on her life and her
family. . so Josh offered for me to stay with him and his
family. He still lived with his mom and sister. . . I didnt
really know them too well, because they didnt really try to
see me or . . get to know me. . .and from what I did know
of them. . I didnt really like. . . but I wanted to give it
a try. . . .well to make a long story short.
I became friends with his sister, brandi. . good
friends. . or so I thought. . and i got along with his
mom. . . at least. . . for a little while. . . it wasnt
until later that I found out that they both just didnt like
me. . and really never have. . in fact Joshs mom even went
so low as to try to get Josh to break up with me. . and go
out with a girl he was working with. . while he was dating
me. . .
All this information was a shock and. . . it hurt. .
alot. . .I felt betrayed. . and I decided right then and
there i would never turn into them. . .hypocrates. . . I
decided that if i hate someone. . i will at elast give them
the respect of telling them instead of pretending
differently. .
There are waaaaayy too many things that happened between
us that I cant go into today. But I will get there, trust
me. Everything they did to me. . . I remember. . and it
hurts. . everything they did to Josh. .
but let me tel you a little more about myself. I am a
college student, physcology major. My plans are to get my
bachelor in physc. And then (hopefully) try out for the FBI
academy. . .and if that works. . apply for the behavorial
specialist. Ya know. . try to figure out the minds of
people. . . especially those that commit crime. My main
goal is. . I wanna know if there is a way to "cure"
criminals. . . especially killers. . . or at least make a
system that recognizes them before they commit the
crimes. . at least save lives that way. And later try to
save theirs. BUT. . if that doesnt work. . because I know
the FBI isnt the easiest to get into . . I will work with
my BA degree. . and try to save them that way.
Well, thats my career plans. . Um. . I dont really have a
religion. I used ot be a christian. . southern baptist
actually . but. . after my dad died I started questioning
the whole . ."god" idea. I started wondering why God would
allow people to suffer. . . needlessly. . and reading the
bible I found more times than none, God usually was the one
that killed them. . in anger. . he didnt seem so. . . kind
as he once did to me. The way people tried to make him out
to be. Reading it myself i saw a different god. . and it
made me sad. . .the idea of someone creating a life of a
creature. . for HIS worship. . the soul purpose of man's
creation (according to the bible) is to worship God. .
nothing else. . . and because of this, we are put thru . .
litterally Hell. . .suffering. . killings. . if we do
worship god. . we die. . if we dont. . we are
killed. . .it just seemed. . surreal to me. . something
was missing. So I tried dearching for it elsewhere. . for a
while i tried wicca. . it seemed more to what i was
lacking. . "Live and let live.". . everybody minds their
own business and doesnt judge or criticize. . as long as
you dont hurt someone else, everybody else could care less
of what you do. Thats more of how I am.
If someone is gay, who am I to judge them or try to sway
them. It is their choice, or rather, their life to do what
they want or have to do. And it is not my place to try and
convince them otherwise. I mean, sheesh, its not like they
are rubbing it in my face what they do. They dont make me
stand and watch, anymore than anybody else would. So what
harm is it. . Or. .how about interracial marriage. . being
from Louisiana, its probably shocking to see that I am not
prejudgize. . Why should I be?. . A person is a person. .
we are all human. .I see no difference. . and why should
I. . in almost every religion. . we all came from the same
place. . we may look differently. . but who look exactly
alike? Identical twins, and even that is flawed to a
It doesnt matter what a person looks like or what they
choose to do. They are who they are, and nobody should try
to change them.
Im not trying to lecture, its just this is how I feel. And
anybody who criticies me for it is only ignorant. I am
intitled to my own pinion. . you may or may not agree wit
it, but I have a right my own. . just as you have a right
to yours.
But. .because of these feelings, I get alot of. . looks. .
especially from Joshs mother and sister. who are "non
denomiation" christians. . but have not been to church is
nearly 8 years. Or read a bible I dare say. . . . I found
it very interesting that I knew more about the bible as a
wiccan than most christians did.
RIght now though, I have no religion. . I simply. . know.
that there is something out there. . .I dunno if it created
the earth or just sat back and watched. . or if it has a
hand in our lives. . I simply dont know. . and right now in
my life. . I really dont care. As long as I know something
is out there. .and yes I do beleive in life after
death. . . as long as I believe in that. . and try to live
my life to the fullest and accomplish what I want and need
to. Im happy.
This is Me.

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