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2001-12-29 14:16:43 (UTC)

long absence since last entry.. updates

it's been a long time since i last updated... getting
really lazy. oh well, i guess i should be glad. it also
means that i'm havin a life other than facing my monitor
all the time.

let's see.. i think i am completely over T. I no longer get
upset when i talk to him. but a while back, he said the
most hurtful thing ever. he asked if i wanted a purely
sexual relationship. it was the worst thing ever to say to
a girl. My first reaction was of course shock. Then, I
wondered whether to feel flattered or to be angry. Wat the
hell... i gave myself a mental slap and got really angry
about it. In the conversation that followed, everything
came out. I told him how I wanted more from the both of us,
and not just sex. And I told him that wat we had wasn't
supposed to be just a fling, and I was just really sad that
things have turned out to be thus. That goddamn jerk! I
really couldn't believe he actually put it to words. Some
frens i have confided in agree that it was really the worst
thing to ask any girl. I dun thinK I will ever forgive him
for saying wat he did.

And then, I was in a moral turmoil. Again. I ask myself if
it is normal to enjoy sex so much. OK, so it is normal. I
have a healthy libido. But I dun have any bf. I'm just
having sex with different guys. And I wonder if I am evil,
having sex with these guys who are/were my good frens. some
of them are even attached. right now, there's steve, c, y.
i talked to steve last week. I was afraid I would affect
his relationship with his gf. And that we should stop this.
but he didn't want to stop. And that he did love his gf,
but they were having some problems, and that he liked
having sex with me. my point is that.. if you love your gf,
you should stop fooling around. I'm willing to help him
with it, like stop him from coming over or something. but
he wasn't willing to broach that subject.

And there is c. He loves being with me cos his gf does not
enjoy sex. And he gave me this piece of advice which i
advise all the girls take: satisfy your man, otherwise
they'll go looking for satisfaction elsewhere.

I decided that there wasn't anything wrong with what i'm
doing. i's just that one's standards differ and I guess the
whole thing is subjective. I love having sex, and I'm not
afraid of admitting it. I admire people who are assertive
in what they believe, and we shouldnt be ashamed of it. I
just wish I had like a regular bf who would love me in that
nice kind of way..

In an attempt to reconcile beliefs with moral mores, me and
y sort of ended our affair. I didn't like how he had to
sneak over to my place in the dead of the night and leaving
before day breaks. He agreed with me and I haven't seen him
for weeks. Which is good and also bad. good cos i feel
better about myself, but bad cos i when i get horny, i have
one less alternative.

i guess i would come across to many as a slut. but then i
am only answerable to myself. until i get a steady guy, i
can do watever i want, so there!

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