nothing

solitude, sweet solitude
2001-12-29 07:59:12 (UTC)

dumb dumb dumb

its snowing, really nice flakes of snow, everythings
peacful and serene outside, but inside my head all is
chaos. i think that i have been thinking too much. i think
this lonelyness is killing me. i want to love and in return
be loved, not throw it all away for a dumb reason. im
thinking that breaking up with cassie wasnt such a good
idea, which leads me to think of my life without andrea and
then leads into my thinking that breaking up with her wasnt
such a good idea. there are too many "what if..." sentences
going through my mind to sort through them all.
Josh is having his second annual "New Years Eve Bonanza"
and ive been searching for a date to it. for once im not
going to be drunk when the new year hits. i tried my friend
becca, i was gonna drive the whole 2 hours to her house to
pick her up. that was a no go. so then i tried jamie, no go
there either. so i guess if i cant get a date this weekend
im goin stag. which wouldnt be all that bad but i had
envisioned a new years kiss of some sorts with anyone
(dudes excluded). just being held as the ball was dropped.
thats all i asked.
We (josh, peanut, paul, nick, and i) al went to the
bowling ally tonight. adrian and i got into a big talking
about andrea and how much we missed her. it was a big
sobfest (minus the sobbing) and it made me long for andrea.
i had a dream about her the other night. it was kinda weird.
I now have to take anger mamagement courses. the other
night an unmarked cop car hit the rodeo. my temper rared
its ugly head (me being highly pissed off beore it happened
didnt help any) and i calmly steppe out of the vehicle,
walked over to his car and started threatning him. i didnt
car at the moment if he was the pope, i was pissed. when
things cleared i offered an appology, and he offered not to
pres charges. we exchanged insurance info (yeah, my dads
still pissed) and he took my info to get me signed up for
them, so now i sit and wait. i think i have a real problem
here. i thought drinking was bad but damn, my temper, of
course hitting that one dude after school for looking in
the hondas window soesnt help, but ya know, its my shit he
was gonna steal. so hopefully these courses will help a
little.
well, from what i hear lukes still in ton, but i dont
really care anymore. hes dead to me, doesnt exist. if the
man doesnt have the respect to at least call me and say hi
while hes in, it not worth it. i ahve my real best friends
here. ones that i see and talk to, even if it is for only
15 minutes at a time with some, at least its better than
none. im sorry, but thats how i feel.
so im out for the night, everyone have a safe trip home
and i hope to see you again sometime.
G




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