I am so bad.
Why? Why do I do these things? What the hell is wrong with
me? I'm finished, I mean it this time. I will never ever
drink too much again. Yes, yes, I know I've said that a
million times before, but this is the last cigar. This is
the straw that broke the camels back. I'm done. Honestly.
And I've got a Faith Hill song stuck in my head! Aaargh!
God is punishing me.
Last night was...strange. I kind of came out of a blackout
and me and Josh were laying on the bed together, and his
body was...covered, with scratches, in bite marks, with
hickies...I don't know what sort of wild animal I turned
into back there, but she is not coming out again. That was
just weird. He said I got a little crazy during sex. A
little? I swear I have an evil twin hiding in the depths of
my subconscious. She only comes out when alcohol has gotten
me woozy, so that I can't fight back.
There's a period of about three hours that I only have
little glimpses of. Us fucking on the bed on the right side
of the room (sometimes we switch beds for some reason, and
I never remember doing it), taking a shower together-
something I would never do normally, I'm way too self
conscious. Me laughing, trying to play his recorder and
doing astonishingly badly at it.
We got into something early on in the night. It wasn't a
fight exactly, I'm not sure what it was. I was going down
on him and he picked that time to tell me about how him and
his friends were talking about how bjs don't get them off!
That they're more of a foreplay. Maybe it was his timing,
but that just really bothered me and I was completely
turned off towards him for like a half hour. I was being a
bitch, actually. He was really upset and at one point left
the room and slammed the door. I was about to leave when he
This is where I made my mistake- "Hey, do you want to get
some more alcohol?" I thought we needed to get out of the
room, to put a break in after what had happened.
I hate blacking out. It's scary and weird. To have your
actions, your time, your memories a total blank.
Anyhow. Later he swore to me that he didn't mean what he
had said, he just didn't want to startle me or freak me out
by coming in my mouth. I'm not sure I believe that, I think
I'm not good enough at it. Hopefully I can get better
though. I really want to make him happy.
I did get him to cum later on though, with my hands and K-
Y. I was glad, he didn't even have to help me this time.
I'm still a little proud of that.
I do think we've been having too much sex though. I don't
want our relationship to revolve around that. I want to
feel like we're really good friends, too.
I stayed until it was light out and he had to go to work.
He looks so handsome in his navy uniform.
There's a friend of his that lives in the same building,
who I don't think likes me. Well, we've never talked, but
we met once and I got kind of a weird vibe, not a very
welcoming one. And yesterday I saw him twice. The first
time when I had just gotten there, the elevator stopped and
he was about to go in, and I don't know if it's because he
saw me or what, but he turned around and didn't get in.
Then in the morning as I was leaving with Josh we went in
the same elevator and he just stared straight ahead. I
don't know? Supposedly they're good friends. Maybe he's
jealous that I'm spending so much time with Josh...or, Josh
said he'd been depressed lately and has been drinking too
much, maybe that's why. Ah well. I wanted to invite him up
to play cards with us last night, and we went down to his
floor but he wasn't in his room. I was hoping I could get
him to warm up to me, and maybe we could cheer him up a
For some reason, I'm really missing Josh tonight. I think I
just want some kind of affirmation that he still likes and
cares about me, that he's not upset or put off by the way I
acted. That sucks that he had to work today, I bet he was
so tired. I wish he could have slept all day.
I think I'm liking him more.