Another lost soul

Caste Shadows
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2001-12-29 03:55:59 (UTC)


I was looking through a message board that I used to be a
part of (too bad they are such hypocrit jerks there) and I
saw something that Natalie wrote...

"I think you are all being an ass to Nick [that's me]
too....he helped me more than anyone else even though I was
hard to get through, It takes a special kind of person to be
able to listen to someone when they are constantly saying
how much they want to kill themselves, and he stopped me
from doing anything stupid, he stopped me from having
something against Whitney....I am far from hating her now."

It makes me happy. I'm so happy that I could help her.
Even when things looked grim, I stuck through it. And I
doubted everything... but it payed off and she's okay now.
I'm so happy. It makes me want to help more people. If I
could somehow manage it, I would devote my life to helping
people like that... I guess that's why I've been so hesitant
to do anything else. I spend all my time talking to people
and trying to make them happy. And yet some people think
I'm the devil... it used to make me really wonder if I was
evil. But I don't anymore. My friends have helped me see
past that.

But... this strengthens my thought that it was me she was
talking about before. I don't want to hurt her feelings...
I hope she won't do anything drastic... I guess I just have
to wait and see... poor Natalie. And poor Tiff. I'm a
curse like that. The one thing I can't do is devote myself
to more than one person in that manner... and I know there's
nothing I can do about it, but I want to make others happy
like I make Taylor happy. Its impossible, but I wish I
could. The best I can do is be a close friend. Things are
so complicated... and to think that I used to be alone. For
so many years I've been alone. I still feel alone without
having Taylor around, but at least I have caring people
around me. And at least I can help them.

Whitney never ceases to amaze me. I should never have
doubted her. She's so awesome to me... I guess I've just
never been friends with someone like her before. I respect
her more than anyone, look up to her, sometimes I even wish
that I was her... and I never thought she'd be my friend. I
used to tell her "you're too good for me" all the time until
she strongly told me to stop. But I still believe it. I
asked her why I was one of her closest friends, she said its
because I listen and care. I'd never thought of that
before. I guess I always assumed that I was nobody and that
everyone deserved to be liked over me. That's the way it
was with me for awhile. But that's all in the past. Things
are finally starting to look better. When I can be with
Taylor again, it will all be better.

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